Strained Relationship

Jon and I have been married for almost a year. Our anniversary is actually next month. But I wonder if it matters to him. Lately it seems I have taken a back seat to his career, and it frustrates me.

He works for an adventure company that does white water rafting, climbing, and backpacking. It's his dream job, and I was so excited for him. Little did I know how much it was going to affect our relationship. They have trips in the afternoons so he doesn't get home until about 8:30 or 9 pm, leaving only about an hour until I need to go to bed for work the next day. This week he has at least one trip today, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, & 2 on Saturday.

I try to help out when I can, mostly the weekends, but even that can be overbearing. Jon seems to think that just because I'm not working on the weekends that I want to be out all day shuttle driving and taking pictures. While I love being outside, I don't like that he expects me to use my days off to work. It might be selfish thinking, but I need time for me every now and again. Time to visit my family. Time to sleep in a little.

His long days are really frustrating me. I just want to spend time with him but I can't because he is on the river or at the warehouse cleaning or prepping gear. What about time with me? Weekends are taken up with trips. Occasionally he gets a day off during the week, but I work a regular 8 to 5 Monday to Friday job and can't take random days off at a moments notice.

Then comes the issue of our anniversary. He scheduled trips on our anniversary! Now granted he switched trips for our actual anniversary, but that still left the day before and day after to be arranged. What's the point of going away for your 1 year anniversary if it's just a day trip? He's trying to get something arranged, but so far it seems like nothing is being done. So how can I plan for a getaway when I don't know if we will even get away?

I know his job is important to him and it demands a lot of time, but at the same time I feel like it's changing his priorities. Changing how much time we get together. Ultimately moving us further apart. Although I have told him a few times how I feel and he apologizes and says he will make a better effort, it works for a couple days and then reverses back to what it was before. Me on the back burner slowly turning into mush.

Monday Moaning

On my drive to work today I got hit with yet another case of the Mondays. As I drove closer and closer to work I sank deeper and deeper into a depression about work. I really don't want to be here. I would rather be sleeping in at home, spending time with my husband, volunteering places.

Unfortunately there are these things called bills and even though I wish they didn't exist, they do. Simply wishing them gone doesn't make it true. Credit card bills, student loans, rent, cell phone bills, utilities, groceries. The reality is life costs money to live it. And, to be frank, my husband doesn't make enough money to cover those all and allow me to be just a housewife.

I just don't want to be here for work. Maybe if I worked elsewhere I would be happier, would enjoy going to work every day. But the question is, do I risk leaving my job, my paycheck, my health insurance for the unknown? Practicality tells me no. Happiness tells me yes.

Despite my lack of enthusiasm I am here. I press on, earning that next dollar, working till I get my 40 hours in. Working...not really wanting to be here...but working just the same.