As I laid in bed last night next to my husband I said "I think our marriage is in trouble." Half awake he just put his arm around me. I asked if he heard what I said and he mumbled in the affirmative.
The last couple of weeks have been busy for him. I know this is the busy season for him in his career, but at the same time, he married me and I should come before work. I place him before mine. He works 6-7 days a week with most days up to 14 hours a day. Weekends are just as busy. Fortunately he has Sunday mornings off so we can go to church together.
Weekends have now become a marathon weekend for me. I'm up early on Saturday mornings so I can drive with Jon to the office. I help load all the rafting gear into the van. I help set it all up at the put in. I wait around until the group gets there and help with them getting their gear on. Then it's time for pictures. I drive the shuttle van, stopping to take pictures at the rapids. At the take out I set up the tarps for the gear, set up the bar-b-que, and grab the camera to take more pictures. Then I stand around waiting for the group to leave. I help pack up the bar-b-que things and hop in the van for a ride back. At the end of the day we head back to the warehouse to unload all the gear and wash it.
The same routine is done twice on Saturdays and once on Sundays. Both days are my regularly scheduled days off, but in order to see Jon, I volunteer to help. I give up my time off, my time to get a little more rest, my time to visit my family to maybe get a couple hours of time with him. Despite my sacrifices, I don't get quality time with him. The time I get is usually me standing around looking at him while he interacts with other people. I know it's his job, but it's really putting a strain on our relationship.
This past week he was home only twice in the evenings before 8:30 pm. Weekends are jammed pack. The only time we get together is when we're driving to and from places or after 9 pm when we are both exhausted and ready for bed.
The lack of quality time is really pushing us apart. I find myself getting upset at him for no reason. The real reason is I'm reacting to the lack of attention. I'm feeling like I'm competing with his job. He's making me feel like I don't matter, like I'm not important. It makes me wonder if he still loves me. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
The rafting season is almost over and then backpacking begins. He will be gone for a week and back for a day in which laundry and sleep will be top priorities. The next day is spent packing for the next trip and then he's gone yet again. This will continue until September and then the season slows down.
There's talk of adding a winter program. I'm not sure I support that, particularly with the limited staff they have. My marriage is already suffering. I don't know if I can stand another busy season. Right now I'm struggling and Jon doesn't seem to know what to do to fix it. They just need more staff because I need my husband.
Monday, May 18, 2009
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