Jon's Gone Part 2

It was 9:15 pm and I began to worry. Jon hadn't called. He's called by 8:30 every night this past week. Last night he didn't. A little annoyed, but mostly worried, I texted him only to find out he would be calling me "a lot later." I asked for a time estimate to get an answer of maybe 11. Eleven o'clock? I'm usually asleep by then. Why he would be so late I wouldn't find out until he called that night.

The reason for the late call was he was watching Fiddler on the Roof. First off, that is not a movie my husband would EVER have chosen to watch. Second, they are out camping--isn't part of camping getting outdoors and not watching movies? Third, how hard is it to call me before the movie to chat? Surely he had some notification that they would be watching a movie.

I felt myself becoming angry. When he did call, the total call time was about a minute. Talk about "quality time" (insert sarcasim here!). He told me he would call me the next day (today), but being my vengeful self I told him not to; I would be too busy -- exersing, eating, cleaning, and of course watching a couple movies. I added the movies just to jab just a little more.

I hung up on him and grew madder and madder with each passing minute that he did not call me back. Finally I texted him and told him not to call me the next day. I knew the next day I would want him to call, but I was so mad at him and I wanted to hit him where it hurt most.

Finally I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and on my way to work he texted me telling me he was sorry. By then I had calmed down and told him I forgave him and that I wanted to talk to him tonight.

There is only today and tomorrow and I'm off to see him. I'm leaving tomorrow at 5 pm and driving straight over there. I'm excited to see him, kiss him, hug him, and tell him I love him.

Wenatchee River Trip - Day 1

Everything was packed last night. Clothes were laid out, toiletries sealed in leak proof Ziplock bags, games gathered, and reading and writing materials set next to the games.

I woke up this morning at 6:15 a.m. Jon was stretched out on the couch watching CMT waiting for time to tick by until he needs to leave. Immediately I joined him on the couch, wanting to spend as much time with him as possible before he left for two weeks.

About 20 minutes later he decided it was time to load up. Fighting tears, I helped him load all of his bags into the car. With a hug, a kiss, and a promise of safety, Jon climbed into the car and drove off to meet the group.

I walked upstairs and stretched out on the couch fighting tears again. I would see him in 8 days when I would go to visit him. Finally I got ready for work. Realizing Jon forgot his pillow, I left a few minutes early to swing by the warehouse to give it to him. A brief kiss and I was off to work.

It's been a slow day. I keep thinking of him and missing him. I know that when I go home tonight it will be worse. I'll make dinner for one and sleep in our bed alone. I'm anticipating a call, most likely a brief chat, but a call all the same. That will bring some relief but saddness will flow soon there after.

I have plenty to keep me busy. Exercising, deep cleaning my house (room by room), finishing my business plan, and making quilts. Plenty to do, but I know I will not want to do it. I know I will continually pause and think of my husband, hours away, and the tears will threaten to fall. I know I will let a few slip down my cheeks, mostly to release some tension.

The day to day tasks of getting ready for work, working, exercising, making dinner, and random projects should make the days go by quickly. In addition, on Saturday I have my nephews birthday party. Sunday, I have church in the morning but not much going on in the afternoon. That day will probably be the only difficult day to fill. All in all, so far I'm making it through.

Most probably think 2 weeks isn't much, but for me it is. We've only spent 5 days/4 nights apart at the most since we've been married. For me it's a difficult thing. I love spending every day with Jon. I miss him already and day 1 is not even over yet.

Prego -- Left behind?

Every time I turn around it seems that someone new is pregnant. I log into Facebook and on someone's wall are posts of congratulations. I see friends glowing and growing rounder with each new day. I'm happy for them, really I am, but part of me wonders if I'm being left behind.

Jon and I discussed we would wait a couple years after being married before starting a family. We've been married one year now and are still planning on waiting another year before we conceive. I know I want to wait another year because I'm still adjusting to Jon's new job and I want to have all of our credit cards paid off, which by next year will be done.

But then comes the pressure of family. I was the last of my family to get married, as was Jon. All of my married brothers have children, except one (his wife cannot have children). My brother Josh had his first child right after his second year of college and his second child during his fourth year (he went to 4 1/2 years of college). My younger brother John followed suit and had his first child in the middle of his third year and is planning to have another one right after he graduates college (year 5). Josh was married at the beginning of his second year and John was married right before his third year. So both of them have been married longer than I have. Josh almost 4 years and John 1 year. I waited until I graduated college to get married.

As a result of my waiting to get married, my nieces and nephews are getting older and I never seem to hear the end of comments like "our children need cousins" or "you should have children" or "you should be next to have kids." I know that we're going to have children, but not yet. And it's frustrating on one hand to have my family constantly nag me about having children and another that I know there are other things I want to do right now without being strapped down with children. Your life changes when you have kids; I've seen in happen.

Part of me would love to have children right now, but at the same time I know that Jon and I aren't ready. Some times, particularly when I hear about another pregnant friend, I want to have kids sooner, but practically speaking I know we aren't ready yet. We want to have our credit cards to paid off and some money in savings before we had a child to the mix. I know I will be working less when we have kids, so I want to make sure we have our credit cards paid off and some money saved up. I want to have some debt paid off. I know we're not going to be completely debt free and I'm fine with that, but if we can reduce it some then that's great for us.

Sometimes I have felt left behind by those having babies now. But all in all, I'm glad I don't have kids yet. I'm not ready yet. We're not ready yet. I'm happy for now not having children. For now I'm content not having children. I'm not left behind. I'm waiting until it's right for me, for us.

Meant to be Ordinary

Call it a case of the Mondays. Call it depression. Call it whatever you want; it doesn't change that fact that some of us are just meant to be ordinary. To live ordinary lives. Not doing anything spectacular or noteworthy, just ordinary.

When I married my husband I told him I would move wherever he got a job because his career opportunities are limited. (There's not a lot you can do with an outdoor recreation degree.) We lived in western Washington for 6 months until we moved to Spokane, WA where we currently live. I found a job working as an accountanting assistant (seems beneath me considering I have an accounting degree). I feel like I've settled for a job that doesn't make me feel at all significant.

Is there something better out there for me? Something I would enjoy more than sitting at a desk doing journal entries and tying down financials?

I've often thought about what I would do if I were to lose my husband. One thought that constantly comes to mind is to move to L.A. and getting a career as an actress. I see myself getting a leading role right away and making a great deal of money right off the bat. I envision myself flirting with a handsome, talented actor. I see my picture on the cover of magazines, my high school classmates being jealous of my success, hanging out with other actors and actresses. I envision myslef walking into a random store and hearing the whispers of the presence of a famous actress being there. Of the crowds of people asking for my autograph or a picture with me. I see myself walking the red carpet in a gorgeous purple dress (afterall, purple is my favorite color).

But then my eyes open and I realize I still live in Spokane working as an accounting assistant. While I'm happy I'm still married to an amazing man, I'm dissatisfied with my ordinary life. I realize that I don't have to be rich and famous to be unique and significant, but it's hard to see anything but an ordinary life when I look at where I am at. Maybe someday I'll be somebody. Most likely I will still be just ordinary.

Time for Me -- A Marriage in Trouble

As I laid in bed last night next to my husband I said "I think our marriage is in trouble." Half awake he just put his arm around me. I asked if he heard what I said and he mumbled in the affirmative.

The last couple of weeks have been busy for him. I know this is the busy season for him in his career, but at the same time, he married me and I should come before work. I place him before mine. He works 6-7 days a week with most days up to 14 hours a day. Weekends are just as busy. Fortunately he has Sunday mornings off so we can go to church together.

Weekends have now become a marathon weekend for me. I'm up early on Saturday mornings so I can drive with Jon to the office. I help load all the rafting gear into the van. I help set it all up at the put in. I wait around until the group gets there and help with them getting their gear on. Then it's time for pictures. I drive the shuttle van, stopping to take pictures at the rapids. At the take out I set up the tarps for the gear, set up the bar-b-que, and grab the camera to take more pictures. Then I stand around waiting for the group to leave. I help pack up the bar-b-que things and hop in the van for a ride back. At the end of the day we head back to the warehouse to unload all the gear and wash it.

The same routine is done twice on Saturdays and once on Sundays. Both days are my regularly scheduled days off, but in order to see Jon, I volunteer to help. I give up my time off, my time to get a little more rest, my time to visit my family to maybe get a couple hours of time with him. Despite my sacrifices, I don't get quality time with him. The time I get is usually me standing around looking at him while he interacts with other people. I know it's his job, but it's really putting a strain on our relationship.

This past week he was home only twice in the evenings before 8:30 pm. Weekends are jammed pack. The only time we get together is when we're driving to and from places or after 9 pm when we are both exhausted and ready for bed.

The lack of quality time is really pushing us apart. I find myself getting upset at him for no reason. The real reason is I'm reacting to the lack of attention. I'm feeling like I'm competing with his job. He's making me feel like I don't matter, like I'm not important. It makes me wonder if he still loves me. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

The rafting season is almost over and then backpacking begins. He will be gone for a week and back for a day in which laundry and sleep will be top priorities. The next day is spent packing for the next trip and then he's gone yet again. This will continue until September and then the season slows down.

There's talk of adding a winter program. I'm not sure I support that, particularly with the limited staff they have. My marriage is already suffering. I don't know if I can stand another busy season. Right now I'm struggling and Jon doesn't seem to know what to do to fix it. They just need more staff because I need my husband.

Strained Relationship

Jon and I have been married for almost a year. Our anniversary is actually next month. But I wonder if it matters to him. Lately it seems I have taken a back seat to his career, and it frustrates me.

He works for an adventure company that does white water rafting, climbing, and backpacking. It's his dream job, and I was so excited for him. Little did I know how much it was going to affect our relationship. They have trips in the afternoons so he doesn't get home until about 8:30 or 9 pm, leaving only about an hour until I need to go to bed for work the next day. This week he has at least one trip today, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, & 2 on Saturday.

I try to help out when I can, mostly the weekends, but even that can be overbearing. Jon seems to think that just because I'm not working on the weekends that I want to be out all day shuttle driving and taking pictures. While I love being outside, I don't like that he expects me to use my days off to work. It might be selfish thinking, but I need time for me every now and again. Time to visit my family. Time to sleep in a little.

His long days are really frustrating me. I just want to spend time with him but I can't because he is on the river or at the warehouse cleaning or prepping gear. What about time with me? Weekends are taken up with trips. Occasionally he gets a day off during the week, but I work a regular 8 to 5 Monday to Friday job and can't take random days off at a moments notice.

Then comes the issue of our anniversary. He scheduled trips on our anniversary! Now granted he switched trips for our actual anniversary, but that still left the day before and day after to be arranged. What's the point of going away for your 1 year anniversary if it's just a day trip? He's trying to get something arranged, but so far it seems like nothing is being done. So how can I plan for a getaway when I don't know if we will even get away?

I know his job is important to him and it demands a lot of time, but at the same time I feel like it's changing his priorities. Changing how much time we get together. Ultimately moving us further apart. Although I have told him a few times how I feel and he apologizes and says he will make a better effort, it works for a couple days and then reverses back to what it was before. Me on the back burner slowly turning into mush.

Monday Moaning

On my drive to work today I got hit with yet another case of the Mondays. As I drove closer and closer to work I sank deeper and deeper into a depression about work. I really don't want to be here. I would rather be sleeping in at home, spending time with my husband, volunteering places.

Unfortunately there are these things called bills and even though I wish they didn't exist, they do. Simply wishing them gone doesn't make it true. Credit card bills, student loans, rent, cell phone bills, utilities, groceries. The reality is life costs money to live it. And, to be frank, my husband doesn't make enough money to cover those all and allow me to be just a housewife.

I just don't want to be here for work. Maybe if I worked elsewhere I would be happier, would enjoy going to work every day. But the question is, do I risk leaving my job, my paycheck, my health insurance for the unknown? Practicality tells me no. Happiness tells me yes.

Despite my lack of enthusiasm I am here. I press on, earning that next dollar, working till I get my 40 hours in. Working...not really wanting to be here...but working just the same.