Strained Relationship

Jon and I have been married for almost a year. Our anniversary is actually next month. But I wonder if it matters to him. Lately it seems I have taken a back seat to his career, and it frustrates me.

He works for an adventure company that does white water rafting, climbing, and backpacking. It's his dream job, and I was so excited for him. Little did I know how much it was going to affect our relationship. They have trips in the afternoons so he doesn't get home until about 8:30 or 9 pm, leaving only about an hour until I need to go to bed for work the next day. This week he has at least one trip today, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, & 2 on Saturday.

I try to help out when I can, mostly the weekends, but even that can be overbearing. Jon seems to think that just because I'm not working on the weekends that I want to be out all day shuttle driving and taking pictures. While I love being outside, I don't like that he expects me to use my days off to work. It might be selfish thinking, but I need time for me every now and again. Time to visit my family. Time to sleep in a little.

His long days are really frustrating me. I just want to spend time with him but I can't because he is on the river or at the warehouse cleaning or prepping gear. What about time with me? Weekends are taken up with trips. Occasionally he gets a day off during the week, but I work a regular 8 to 5 Monday to Friday job and can't take random days off at a moments notice.

Then comes the issue of our anniversary. He scheduled trips on our anniversary! Now granted he switched trips for our actual anniversary, but that still left the day before and day after to be arranged. What's the point of going away for your 1 year anniversary if it's just a day trip? He's trying to get something arranged, but so far it seems like nothing is being done. So how can I plan for a getaway when I don't know if we will even get away?

I know his job is important to him and it demands a lot of time, but at the same time I feel like it's changing his priorities. Changing how much time we get together. Ultimately moving us further apart. Although I have told him a few times how I feel and he apologizes and says he will make a better effort, it works for a couple days and then reverses back to what it was before. Me on the back burner slowly turning into mush.

Monday Moaning

On my drive to work today I got hit with yet another case of the Mondays. As I drove closer and closer to work I sank deeper and deeper into a depression about work. I really don't want to be here. I would rather be sleeping in at home, spending time with my husband, volunteering places.

Unfortunately there are these things called bills and even though I wish they didn't exist, they do. Simply wishing them gone doesn't make it true. Credit card bills, student loans, rent, cell phone bills, utilities, groceries. The reality is life costs money to live it. And, to be frank, my husband doesn't make enough money to cover those all and allow me to be just a housewife.

I just don't want to be here for work. Maybe if I worked elsewhere I would be happier, would enjoy going to work every day. But the question is, do I risk leaving my job, my paycheck, my health insurance for the unknown? Practicality tells me no. Happiness tells me yes.

Despite my lack of enthusiasm I am here. I press on, earning that next dollar, working till I get my 40 hours in. Working...not really wanting to be here...but working just the same.

Roses on a Rough Day

My husband, Jon, left early Monday morning for the week. He is off scouting a trail in some mountains in Washington. I knew it would be hard on me. I love spending time with him. We haven't been married a year yet and our whole dating relationship was long-distance. The worst part of him being gone is no phone signal. Fortunately for me, not for him, his group left late on Monday morning, forcing them to camp elsewhere for a night, so on Tuesday morning I got a brief call, just to say he loves me.

Today was a rough day. I had to deal with a person who yelled at me on the phone and would not listen. Once it was over my supervisor asked me if I was okay and I started crying. Over the next 30 minutes tears were still coming to my eyes, and I was still worked up about it.

Ten minutes before lunch a package came for me at work. On the outside was printed "1-800-Flowers" and I knew it was from my wonderful husband. Upon opening the box 18 red roses brought a smile to my face. It was the perfect gift for me.

The roses are a constant reminder that Jon cares enough to plan ahead of time to send me something special. He didn't know I would be having a rough day so his timing is perfect! And his simple note of "I love you Michelle. See you on Friday." is another thing that brings a smile to my face. Oh my sweet Jon. Roses on a rough day.

Realizations

I've come to the realization that I don't care if anyone reads this or if anyone becomes a "follower" of this blog. I've realized that this is more of an outlet for me to just write what I'm really thinking and feeling. I feel guilty just unloading it all on my husband, so if I can just dump it here and be done with it then I don't have to load him down with negativism. And frankly I realize that most of my posts are negative. Rarely do I write about the good things in life. Maybe I should turn a leaf and even it out. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Try to look on the bright side

The job I work at is a pretty good job. It's full-time, pays well, and it's not too far from home. The downside is the people. Daily I am bombarded with swearing and complaining and finger-pointing. There's more drama here than at almost any junior high school.

It ranges from complaints about the weather, complaints about the radio, complaints about too much beer in the fridge and no room to store lunches, complaints about the software, but mostly complaints about one another. Since I share an office with my supervisor, I hear a good amount from her. People not doing their jobs. People not getting this done on time. People constantly skipping work. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I have been working on constantly pointing out the good things in every situation. Or if I can't see the silver lining, I don't say anything at all. But despite looking on the bright side, inside of me I can feel myself getting down and upset and frustrated. By the time I get home I am emotionally spent. Exhausted by the complaints. Ironically, I complain to my husband about my day and the frustrating things I encounter while he sits there patiently listening and ready with a hug the minute I need one.

I definitely feel the strain and tension in the office, but what can I do about it? I've only been here 2 months and certainly don't want to chance finding another job in this economy. The only thing I can do it seems is to maintain a sunny disposition despite the rain clouds all around me.

Any advice you might have would be appreciated.

Finance Pressures

There have been many times when I've thought to myself, "If only I was rich I wouldn't have to do..." or "If I had more money I could..." Let's face it, I married a guy with an outdoor recreation degree, not exactly a big money making degree.

And me, having an accounting degree, can't help but think about money. Or the lack there of. My husband and I have successfully paid off 2 of our 4 credit cards, his car (a few months early), and are close to having a 3rd card paid off. Each month we set down a hefty chunk of change to pay off the card as well as move money to savings. But even when we pay off those cards we still have student loans to pay off.

I am constantly worrying about what would happen if I couldn't work anymore. Honestly, I make about twice as much as my husband makes. Sometimes I feel the tension. I know my husband doesn't want me to feel like I have to work, but in all reality I do. His paycheck would only be able to pay for our student loans and rent each month. That means our car insurance, cell phone, electricity, groceries, gas, and medications would go unpaid.

My big concern is when we have children. I want to have my own children but I don't know what we would do in regards to work. I can't really do my work from home and I don't have family nearby that can watch my kids and I don't want to leave my kids at childcare to be raised by someone else.

I have considered working part time, which is most likely going to be the best choice for me, since I probably can't bring my kids to work and we will need more income than my husband makes. I guess leaving my kids at a daycare for about 4 hours won't be too bad. It will give them a time to play with others and give me a chance to work a few hours. Yeah, I think that would work well. I can't believe I didn't think of it before.

I'm not planning on having kids yet, we want to have all our credit cards paid off and some money in savings. We're thinking that towards the end of next year we should be ready.

But then comes the consideration of buying a house. Of course we can afford houses in our area, it's just a matter of finding a house that is big enough for 4-6 kids and not too expensive. But when to buy one? We're not sure, but some day.

Current Job - Do I really want to do this?

When I was in high school I took a couple accounting classes and really enjoyed them. I decided that since I liked it that I should get a degree in accounting. I went to a 4 year college and got my degree. During my last two years I interned at a CPA office. It was there I discovered that I didn't want to be a CPA. Maybe if I had worked for a different CPA I would at least consider it, but no.

My first job out of college I was working as an accounts payable specialist. It was not the job I had applied for originally, but with limited experience and having just graduated from college, it was probably the best non-CPA job I could get. I started work and it was alright. Not really challenging at all. Pretty easy I thought. Then my husband got a new job and we moved to the other side of the state.

Fortunately I got a job right away. It seemed like a great opportunity. I was definitely glad to get it considering the economy was getting worse. My first few weeks were pretty good. The work I was doing wasn't too difficult and it kept me busy. Plus, I was grateful for a steady income during the recession, especially since my husband's job doesn't pay much and we have student loans to pay off.

Two months later I'm not satisfied here. The work is kind of boring, the people have bad mouths, and I'm wondering if just maybe there's something better out there for me. However, the pay is nice and consistent and the company isn't cutting jobs during this recession.

But I can't help and think. Is this what I'm going o be doing the rest of my life? Do I even want to do this? Part of me, mostly my pride, thinks I need an accounting job since I got an accounting degree. But part of me wonders if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Is there a job out there that I would like better? Feel better at? Enjoy?

But rather than give up my current job in the hopes of maybe finding something better, I sit here and suffer through it. Longing for the day I won't be here or won't have to work.