Division in the Family

During my daily log in to Facebook I stumbled across a status update of my sister-in-law. It read: "very happy to have four kids in our family now. Come join us for a BBQ to celebrate this Sunday at 2 at the house." My first thought was, "Jon and I aren't doing anything, so we could probably go." I asked and sure enough he didn't have plans. I commented to say we would be there.

About an hour later a different thought crossed my mind. I wondered if anyone in the family had been invited. I wondered if I hadn't seen that post if I would have known about it. I emailed my mom to see if she knew anything about it. Answer: No.

Does my sister-in-law even want us there? Part of me thinks that she wouldn't have told us and that if we didn't come, she would bad mouth us to her friends. "Yeah Frank's family doesn't care about us. They didn't even come to the BBQ." I wonder what the kids would think. "Does Grandma and Grandpa not like Samson? Do my aunts and uncles and cousins not like him? Why don't we get to see Dad's side of the family much?"

Unfortunately this isn't the first time this has happened. After a fight with my parents in Feb. 2005 my sister-in-law turned against the family. They didn't invite us over for birthdays. They didn't come for holidays. It caused friction in the family. Everyone knew something was wrong, but she was too stubborn to work it out. It came to a head in Dec 2008 when she sent a nasty email out to the family about how we aren't involved in her kids lives and what a horrible family we are. My mom confronted Frank about it and he had no clue she had sent it. They did end up coming over for Christmas, which was very awkward.

I called my brother to find out the low down on the BBQ. Turns out it is a family event, we just weren't told about it. He mentioned her being really busy and might not have had time to send out an email. He also mentioned she was probably sending emails to my mom but was probably using a wrong email address. I called her but no response yet. It could very well be she is too busy, but then again, how long does it take to send an email saying "BBQ at our house Sunday st 2 pm to celebrate Samson joining the family." Not long at all.

Surfing Isn't Always Good

A couple weeks ago I went rafting on the Wenatchee. I mentioned my anxieties but never mentioned the results.

Trip #1 -- This trip was a donor/volunteer appreciation trip, so everyone on it was either a donor or volunteer. Four rafts were slated to go. I opted to go with Jon in his raft -- after all, I trust him with my life. We had a pretty good time taking the lead. But one raft sprung a leak. It had gone over some rocks that put some holes in the boat. As a result it was losing air and needed to be patched. We eddied out while they tried to fix it. Eventually it was fixed. Back on the river we continued down the rapids. Our boat made it through them all just fine. One boat dumped everyone at a rapid called Rodeo. I was grateful not to be in that boat. The trip ended without any other flips.

After lunch we all hung out. Relaxing. Jon went back to camp to switch out rafts. They had a second trip that afternoon with a group. The group only had 12 people, enough for 2 rafts, so some staff and volunteers, including myself, took a 3rd boat while others took inflatable kayaks.

Trip #2 -- In my boat were 2 guides, one of the guide's wife, a friend of the other guide, and me. Five people in all. We took the lead and everything went OK for the most part. I got a chance to "ride the bronco" through rapids known as Snow Blind. Before the rapid I slipped and fell in. I got back in and back up front in time for the rapids. It was a lot of fun! We each took turns riding the bronco. Jerry, the friend, was up next. He was going to ride it through Grannies. The other 4 of us started paddling, getting set up perfectly for the wave.

We went up the wave, paused (not having enough power to get over), and got pulled back down it and turned sideways. We were now surfing the wave sideways. This was not a good situation. We weren't going anywhere. Just sitting there. Waiting. Waiting for the wave to catch us and flip us. I looked to the left just in time to see the raft coming up. "It's going to flip," I thought. And "I hope it doesn't land on me." Fortunately it didn't hit me. However, I was dumped in the water.

I clung to my paddle with the line "your paddle is your ticket back into the boat" drilled in my head. I was still submerged in water feeling like I was being churned around like butter. The instructions "make yourself really big" played over and over again in my head. I reached as far as I could, feeling the current at my fingertips. I was still being churned. I was running out of breath. I needed to get out of the water and get a breath of air. "I'm going to die here," I thought, instantly thinking of Jon and how this might affect him. It scared me. Still reaching out the current caught me and pulled me up. I broke the surface gasping for air. One quick breath and I was plunged under water again by another wave. Up again I tried getting another breath only to be hit by a wave resulting in more water inhaled than air. I tried getting to the boat only to be hit by one wave after another. I was panicking. I was terrified. "I'm not going to make it" kept running through my head.

Finally I grabbed the front of the boat, not the ideal place. I tried going around to the side but had no energy or courage to let go. One of the guides saw me and asked if I was OK. "No," I quietly responded while coughing up more and more water. Finally someone pulled me into the boat. Everyone else was there. I still had my paddle. One guide had his. We had to paddle quickly to get to the take out. The kayakers had the best view. They saw us approach the wave, saw us sideways, and knew that it would be a matter of time. They saw us flip. Paddles going everywhere. Fortunately they were there to gather the paddles. One of our kayakers brought over the other paddles. We paddled hard to get to the take out. I paddled though mentally I had checked out. We carried our raft up the ramp. How I had the strength to lift it I have no idea.

Once the raft was set down the events that just occurred flashed through my mind. I saw myself on the boat, in the water, running out of air, being hit by wave after wave, gasping for air, scared out of my mind. I saw Jon and went up to him. He wrapped me in a hug and let me talk as tears came to my eyes. I told him how I felt and what went through my mind. He let me cry on his shoulder briefly, though not as much as I needed to.

I couldn't get my wet suit off. I didn't have the strength. I asked Jon for help. Once changed the adrenaline wouldn't go away. My hands kept shaking. I couldn't hold still. I tried putting on a brave face, knowing deep inside how shaken up I was. Eventually it wore off and I was able to relax.

That night I lay in the tent with Job. I told him again what I went through (even though he had seen my boat dump) and the thoughts I thought and the emotions I felt. I broke down and just cried on his shoulder. Tears flowed out unchecked while he held me close whispering words of love and comfort in my ear.

A week and a half later the events of that second trip are still fresh in my mind. I see us surfing the wave. I see the raft on the left coming up to dump us. I feel the churning waters and the current at my fingertips. The same thoughts flood my head. I feel the continual hit of the wave train. I feel myself being limply pulled into the boat. I see myself paddling once again and the lack of strength I had. I see myself feebly carrying the boat up the ramp. Lastly, I see me hugging Jon as he tells me everything is OK and that he loves me.

Missing Out Camp Style

Right after I graduated high school I went to work at a camp. It was at this camp that I met my husband. I worked two summers there and then got an internship that prohibited me from doing that. After college I got married at the camp and moved there with my husband. We lived there for 7 months in a small but cozy cabin. This camp will always have a special place in my heart.

Living elsewhere now I feel like I'm missing out. I'm no longer driving to camp to visit Jon on weekends. I'm no longer living there interacting daily with staff and campers. As a result I feel like I'm being left behind.

I know that a big part of life includes moving on and leaving things behind, but why this? It's tough seeing the updates on camp and knowing I'm not there. But I must move on, at least for now.

Maybe someday we will go back to the camp. Maybe when the camp director retires and offers the job to Jon. I don't know if Jon will accept it or not; we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now I just need to focus on the new things I'm partaking in rather than the things I'm missing out on.

Nervous Waters

Saturday I'm going white water rafting on the Wenatchee River here in Washington. I'm kind of nervous. Not to go rafting, I've been several times on the Spokane, but to go rafting on the Wenatchee.

Jon told me of several occurences where they have dumped their boats. He told me how he dumped his boat once and he (the guide) got swept down the river while all the paddlers clung to the boat. He even told me they were going to go practice safer lines to avoid dumping. When someone says they are going to practice not dumping, that to me has a big red caution flag waving above it.

I trust Jon completely, but you really never know what could happen on the river. Sometimes the unfortunate things happen. Honestly I'm nervous about going. Not because I haven't been before, but because they have dumped their boats more often on the Wenatchee than on the Spokane. I'm definitely nervous about it. Hopefully I don't chicken out.

Jon's Gone Part 2

It was 9:15 pm and I began to worry. Jon hadn't called. He's called by 8:30 every night this past week. Last night he didn't. A little annoyed, but mostly worried, I texted him only to find out he would be calling me "a lot later." I asked for a time estimate to get an answer of maybe 11. Eleven o'clock? I'm usually asleep by then. Why he would be so late I wouldn't find out until he called that night.

The reason for the late call was he was watching Fiddler on the Roof. First off, that is not a movie my husband would EVER have chosen to watch. Second, they are out camping--isn't part of camping getting outdoors and not watching movies? Third, how hard is it to call me before the movie to chat? Surely he had some notification that they would be watching a movie.

I felt myself becoming angry. When he did call, the total call time was about a minute. Talk about "quality time" (insert sarcasim here!). He told me he would call me the next day (today), but being my vengeful self I told him not to; I would be too busy -- exersing, eating, cleaning, and of course watching a couple movies. I added the movies just to jab just a little more.

I hung up on him and grew madder and madder with each passing minute that he did not call me back. Finally I texted him and told him not to call me the next day. I knew the next day I would want him to call, but I was so mad at him and I wanted to hit him where it hurt most.

Finally I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and on my way to work he texted me telling me he was sorry. By then I had calmed down and told him I forgave him and that I wanted to talk to him tonight.

There is only today and tomorrow and I'm off to see him. I'm leaving tomorrow at 5 pm and driving straight over there. I'm excited to see him, kiss him, hug him, and tell him I love him.

Wenatchee River Trip - Day 1

Everything was packed last night. Clothes were laid out, toiletries sealed in leak proof Ziplock bags, games gathered, and reading and writing materials set next to the games.

I woke up this morning at 6:15 a.m. Jon was stretched out on the couch watching CMT waiting for time to tick by until he needs to leave. Immediately I joined him on the couch, wanting to spend as much time with him as possible before he left for two weeks.

About 20 minutes later he decided it was time to load up. Fighting tears, I helped him load all of his bags into the car. With a hug, a kiss, and a promise of safety, Jon climbed into the car and drove off to meet the group.

I walked upstairs and stretched out on the couch fighting tears again. I would see him in 8 days when I would go to visit him. Finally I got ready for work. Realizing Jon forgot his pillow, I left a few minutes early to swing by the warehouse to give it to him. A brief kiss and I was off to work.

It's been a slow day. I keep thinking of him and missing him. I know that when I go home tonight it will be worse. I'll make dinner for one and sleep in our bed alone. I'm anticipating a call, most likely a brief chat, but a call all the same. That will bring some relief but saddness will flow soon there after.

I have plenty to keep me busy. Exercising, deep cleaning my house (room by room), finishing my business plan, and making quilts. Plenty to do, but I know I will not want to do it. I know I will continually pause and think of my husband, hours away, and the tears will threaten to fall. I know I will let a few slip down my cheeks, mostly to release some tension.

The day to day tasks of getting ready for work, working, exercising, making dinner, and random projects should make the days go by quickly. In addition, on Saturday I have my nephews birthday party. Sunday, I have church in the morning but not much going on in the afternoon. That day will probably be the only difficult day to fill. All in all, so far I'm making it through.

Most probably think 2 weeks isn't much, but for me it is. We've only spent 5 days/4 nights apart at the most since we've been married. For me it's a difficult thing. I love spending every day with Jon. I miss him already and day 1 is not even over yet.

Prego -- Left behind?

Every time I turn around it seems that someone new is pregnant. I log into Facebook and on someone's wall are posts of congratulations. I see friends glowing and growing rounder with each new day. I'm happy for them, really I am, but part of me wonders if I'm being left behind.

Jon and I discussed we would wait a couple years after being married before starting a family. We've been married one year now and are still planning on waiting another year before we conceive. I know I want to wait another year because I'm still adjusting to Jon's new job and I want to have all of our credit cards paid off, which by next year will be done.

But then comes the pressure of family. I was the last of my family to get married, as was Jon. All of my married brothers have children, except one (his wife cannot have children). My brother Josh had his first child right after his second year of college and his second child during his fourth year (he went to 4 1/2 years of college). My younger brother John followed suit and had his first child in the middle of his third year and is planning to have another one right after he graduates college (year 5). Josh was married at the beginning of his second year and John was married right before his third year. So both of them have been married longer than I have. Josh almost 4 years and John 1 year. I waited until I graduated college to get married.

As a result of my waiting to get married, my nieces and nephews are getting older and I never seem to hear the end of comments like "our children need cousins" or "you should have children" or "you should be next to have kids." I know that we're going to have children, but not yet. And it's frustrating on one hand to have my family constantly nag me about having children and another that I know there are other things I want to do right now without being strapped down with children. Your life changes when you have kids; I've seen in happen.

Part of me would love to have children right now, but at the same time I know that Jon and I aren't ready. Some times, particularly when I hear about another pregnant friend, I want to have kids sooner, but practically speaking I know we aren't ready yet. We want to have our credit cards to paid off and some money in savings before we had a child to the mix. I know I will be working less when we have kids, so I want to make sure we have our credit cards paid off and some money saved up. I want to have some debt paid off. I know we're not going to be completely debt free and I'm fine with that, but if we can reduce it some then that's great for us.

Sometimes I have felt left behind by those having babies now. But all in all, I'm glad I don't have kids yet. I'm not ready yet. We're not ready yet. I'm happy for now not having children. For now I'm content not having children. I'm not left behind. I'm waiting until it's right for me, for us.

Meant to be Ordinary

Call it a case of the Mondays. Call it depression. Call it whatever you want; it doesn't change that fact that some of us are just meant to be ordinary. To live ordinary lives. Not doing anything spectacular or noteworthy, just ordinary.

When I married my husband I told him I would move wherever he got a job because his career opportunities are limited. (There's not a lot you can do with an outdoor recreation degree.) We lived in western Washington for 6 months until we moved to Spokane, WA where we currently live. I found a job working as an accountanting assistant (seems beneath me considering I have an accounting degree). I feel like I've settled for a job that doesn't make me feel at all significant.

Is there something better out there for me? Something I would enjoy more than sitting at a desk doing journal entries and tying down financials?

I've often thought about what I would do if I were to lose my husband. One thought that constantly comes to mind is to move to L.A. and getting a career as an actress. I see myself getting a leading role right away and making a great deal of money right off the bat. I envision myself flirting with a handsome, talented actor. I see my picture on the cover of magazines, my high school classmates being jealous of my success, hanging out with other actors and actresses. I envision myslef walking into a random store and hearing the whispers of the presence of a famous actress being there. Of the crowds of people asking for my autograph or a picture with me. I see myself walking the red carpet in a gorgeous purple dress (afterall, purple is my favorite color).

But then my eyes open and I realize I still live in Spokane working as an accounting assistant. While I'm happy I'm still married to an amazing man, I'm dissatisfied with my ordinary life. I realize that I don't have to be rich and famous to be unique and significant, but it's hard to see anything but an ordinary life when I look at where I am at. Maybe someday I'll be somebody. Most likely I will still be just ordinary.