The breakdown came Sunday night. I snapped at Jon. I blame it mostly on being tired, having not slept much the night before. But I snapped nonetheless. I went to the bedroom, threw myself on the bed, and clutching a pillow started crying. Finally I talked to Jon.
The next morning he would be leaving yet again for a backpacking trip making this 3 weeks in a row that he was gone during the week. I wasn't happy about that. I told him that next summer he can't do that to me. He would have to tell his boss that his wife wouldn't let him do that next summer. I told Jon how hard it was for me for him to be gone for 3 weeks in a row. It wasn't fair that one guy gets to take the week off to go to Colorado for a few days. (Now I don't know the reason he went there, but he is there.) It wasn't fair to our marriage. It wasn't fair to me.
I also vented about my worries regarding money. I know God has provided everything I needed and when I needed it; He provided an additional $200 check from a contest I won when I stayed home sick and didn't work. But I still worry. I know it's not the Christian thing to do, but I still struggle with that. It's not that we can't make our bills, it's just I keep thinking about the amount of debt we have and how we are going to pay that off while still trying to save money for emergencies and a down payment. I told Jon how I wished we could just received a $10,000 check in the mail. That would pay off the credit cards and allow us to save more money more quickly.
I worry about our trip to Banff for several reasons. First is having the money saved up to pay for everything like food, gas, and lodging while there. Second is having the money saved up to cover our bills that are due since I don't get a paid vacation this year. Jon mentioned not taking a vacation but I told him we had to. My mom told me that even if I don't get paid, I need to take one. Everyone needs a break. Not taking vacations is a sure fire way to get burnt out.
I was reminded today by a friend that the things in my life I view as mountains are merely bumps in the road, not really that big or significant and easy to overcome. My problem is that I have taken my eyes and trust away from God. I have been trying to control my life when I have no control over it. I need to keep it in the hands of the One who knows what is best for me and just trust Him to fill in the blanks. It's time I spent more time praying and reading the Bible. It's time I really trust God with my life, my finances, and my husband. Just let go, Michelle.
Monday, July 20, 2009
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