Mon - Wed

Monday and Tuesday I went and exercised, but I seem to have lost my motivation. I only did about 1/2 mile. I didn't do my crunches or push ups. I'm not sure what happened, but I have become unmotivated about working out. I would like to lose some weight and I know that exercise is a fast way to do that, but still I find myself not wanting to go do it. I'm letting the busyness of life get in the way again. I think I would be more inclined to exercise if I could watch TV or something while doing it. Maybe I should take my book with me next time and do some reading while I work out. I know I won't go as fast, but maybe it will keep me moving.

We didn't exercise last night. After dinner we went shopping to get a display board and groceries. Once we got home I got started on making Jon's display board. It's not nearly as professional as I'd like, but I think it will look good. However, because of this new project, I was working on it until 10 when I realized I needed to go to bed, thus no exercising.

Started Again

Last Thursday I didn't go running like I had planned. The reason: I threw up.

Last night, however, I did go running. I didn't do much, but I did some. Some is better than none. Tonight I'm going to do at least a mile.

Break the Chain

This year has been a year of struggling to stay committed to exercising. I get excited and motivated for a few days or weeks but then I start making excuses and stop.

I really need to find a way to stay motivated and committed. I'm going to go exercise today at 7 pm.

No Go Monday

Yesterday I didn't exercise, but today Jon and I are going to go after church. Hopefully I can find a way to make this exercise thing stick. I just need to keep thinking about me being healthy for when I get pregnant.

Week Two

This week has been a tough week for me. I increased my mileage up to 2 miles, my push-ups up to 25, and my crunches up to 60.

Monday went well. I ran 18:10 for my 2 miles and the rest went well.
Tuesday was harder. Jon came home from a 5 day backpacking/rock climbing trip and I was anxious to see him. However, I ran about a 17:40 and did all my exercises. I just wasn't motivated. I wanted to be home with him.
Wednesday I failed. I only ran for 5 minutes and I skipped my push-ups and crunches. Jon didn't encourage me to keep going. If he hadn't said only do it for 5 minutes, I wonder if I would have done more, but I can't blame him. It's my fault I didn't exercise.
Thursday was a nothing day. I got home, quickly made dinner, and left for a friend's house. She was having a Pampered Chef party and since my mom wanted me to get something for her, I went. I finally got home at about 8:50. I watched 10 minutes of Survivor, took a shower, and went to bed. I was so tired.

I've been stressed this week. I know exercise is a great way to relieve stress, which works somewhat, but now my stress is affecting my sleep. I would just rather lay down on the couch and watch TV than exercise. I know it's my goal to get in shape for our future baby, but right now I feel so sleep deprived that it's affecting me. Maybe the weekend will be just the break I need to get back on track.

Week One - Recap

I've been struggling with writing in my blog, but rest assured I have been exercising. I've been running 1.5 miles on the elliptical, doing 20 push-ups, doing 50 bicycle crunches, and alternating weights on my legs and arms.

Daily my times have improved on the elliptical.
Monday: 13:59
Tuesday: 13:43
Wednesday: 13:42
Thursday: 13:24
Friday: 13:24
Saturday: 13:14
Sunday: None.

Sunday I didn't get my running in. After church I went to my parents' house to do some target shooting. (I did get some sort of arm workout.) I didn't get home until a few minutes after 8. But Amazing Race was on at 8 and once it was over I was so tired I went to bed.

Today I begin week 2. The changes are 2 miles on the elliptical, 25 push ups, and 55 crunches. Weights remain the same routine.

Week One - Day 1

Yesterday was day 1 of my new exercise plan. Each day this week consists of 1.5 miles on the elliptical, 20 push-ups, 50 bicycle crunches, and weights alternating between arms and legs each day.

Jon and I went to the workout room at 7:30 pm. It was a great time. No one was in there. I started on the elliptical. Pretty soon my legs were tired and I was sweating. I'm definitely out of shape. I pressed on and did my 1.5 miles in 13:59 minutes. After stretching I did my push-ups and boy did those kill! Finally I did my 50 crunches. Finally I did some weight lifting working on my arms.

Later in the evening my muscles were tired! I was putting dishes away and it seemed to take extra energy to put the bowls away on the second shelf of the cupboard. But all in all I feel great. I've started with a realistic goal and I'm planning on sticking to it.

Tonight I have Awana at church. It gets over about 8:30, so I won't get home until about 9 pm, but that's when we're exercising today. I need to go exercise today. I'll keep you posted!

Busy Weekend

I didn't run like I had decided to. Instead, right after work, I sped home, packed a bag, and went to my parents' house. I arrived at the football game just a few minutes late. The next day I spent about 3-4 hours out in the sun helping out at an XC invite. Then I went home and finished up some sewing projects and relaxed by watching TV and playing computer games. Sunday, after church, I cleaned our apartment (except for the kitchen) and then took care of my poor sick husband.

However, since last night we decided we want to start trying for a baby in December, I need to get in shape, so today I'm going to exercise. I promise!

Recommitted

I haven't gone running in a while. I think it's because I have trouble staying committed. I'm good at running for a week, and then I lapse into my habits of not running for a couple weeks. The cycle continues for a while until I give it up altogether. My excuses range from I'm too hungry to run after work, too tired to run in the mornings, I have TV shows on in the evenings (and no DVR or TIVO), and the list goes on and on.

Today I'm going to change that. I'm going to eat a snack now, go home, read my Bible, and go for a run. Tomorrow when I wake up, I'm going to go for a run. Sunday I'm going to go for a run. I'm not usually one for running on Sundays, but I was told it takes 28 consecutive days of doing something to make it a habit. Day 1 starts today.

No Running

I didn't run yesterday. I think that since the race has passed, I'm not as motivated to run. I did go for a walk, though it was only a few blocks. Tonight there isn't time to run. Once I get home I have to figure out what I'm cooking for dinner, make it quickly and eat it, and then we have to leave no later than 6:15 to go to a meeting at church. Once we get home undoubtedly my Tuesday TV shows will be on: Hell's Kitchen at 8 and Big Brother at 9. Most likely I will miss most of Hell's Kitchen, but hopefully I catch the end of it. By the time those are done, it's off to bed for me. I have to be at work at 7 tomorrow morning. So, running will not happen today...maybe tomorrow?

My First 5k in 4 Years

Friday night I laid down in bed ready to get a full night's sleep before the race on Saturday. My husband instantly fell asleep. Sleep, however, eluded me. My nerves were going crazy. I heard myself questioning myself. I couldn't shut my mind off. It kept running around and around the idea of my first 5k being the next day. Eventually I fell asleep only to wake up several times throughout the night. I woke up at 7 feeling exhausted, wishing I didn't have a race and that I could just fall back asleep in my warm comfortable bed.

But it was time to get up. Quickly I showered knowing it would take a while to French braid my hair. It took longer than I expected. For some reason, my hair and hands just wouldn't cooperate. It had been a while since I had done this pre-race ritual, which was evident in my interestingly braided hair.

We got into the car to drive to the race site. My heart beating so quickly I thought it would jump out of my chest. We checked in, pinned on our numbers, put our race t-shirt in the car, and set out to jog around to get warmed up. When it came to stretching I couldn't remember what my pre-race routine was. Finally I felt ready, but we still had 20 minutes until the race began. Then the rain began to come down.

Time ticked slowly by. I was ready to get running, but the race hadn't started yet. Finally we all walked to the starting line.

"Runners! Take your mark!" BANG! The gun fired and we were off. I found a pace that seemed to feel good, so we kept it for the most part. We passed the first mile marker at 10 minutes 11 seconds. A little bit further, my mind games started. It was a good thing Jon was right there beside me encouraging me every step of the way. As we approached the mile 2 marker, I found myself saying "I can't." Jon responded, "Yes, you can." Once we passed the second mile marker I had a hard time convincing myself I could do it. It became a struggle for me resulting in walking several times. Then my knee started hurting, a result of my IT band. Finally we passed the marker for mile 3. Only 0.1 miles left. I saw the finish and lengthened my stride. We got closer. Jon and I started sprinting, hoping to beat the other. We got close to the final turn and I moved left thinking I was farther ahead of Jon than I was. As a result, I bumped him making him slow down. I finished.

My time was 35:27. It certainly wasn't an award-winning time, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that I finished. I won because I finished. It was my first race back. Jon reminded me on the drive home, "There's only up from here."

I don't know how I would have done if he hadn't been beside me encouraging me. I do know now that I am more determined to run more consistently and run more miles in order to have a better time for my next race. When that race will be, I don't know, but it will happen and when it does I will beat Saturday's time of 35:27. I will run the whole time. I will not say "I can't." I will finish with a better time, a better attitude, and a better overall experience. I will finish.

The Perfect Time For Enjoying A Run

Yesterday was a bit chaotic. After getting home after a long day of work (really it just seemed long), I quickly made dinner, having it done and on the table just as my husband got home. After prayer, I quickly began eating, excited to go to a women's event for church. After a little more than an hour and a half, I headed home.

Jon and I had discussed going running when I got home, which was about 8:15 pm. We left about 10 minutes after I got home to go for a run. We started out at what felt like a brisk pace, and it felt good! We jogged to the mile marker, 9:55, and we turned around and ran back. We arrived back at our starting point at 19:33, which turns out to be 17 seconds faster on the return trip.

It wasn't my time that made me feel great. It wasn't the fact that I ran the whole time. It was that I had found a great time to go running. I've tried running when I get home from work, but usually then I'm hungry, it's warm, and I just need some time to relax. Running after 8 pm allowed plenty of time for my dinner to settle, allowed time for the temperature to cool, and allowed time for me to relax prior to running.

Previously I would use all 3 as excuses to run slower or to walk or to not go at all. Hunger was used as an excuse not to run. The temperature was an excuse to run slower or walk. Coming straight from work was used as an excuse to not go running or to just walk so I can vent my frustrations.

Little did I know that by waiting a few hours between work and running that not only would those excuses become useless, but I would feel better while I ran. The whole time I ran I felt good. I didn't feel tired. I wasn't thinking of excuses to walk or slow down. For the first time in a while, I enjoyed my run. I actually enjoyed it. To me, that is what running is all about, enjoying something you do.

A Boost of Confidence

Last Thursday I officially signed up for a 5k run, the first I've done in several years. I don't expect it to be phenomenal, but I signed up partly due to my husband's prodding and partly to prove to myself I can still run a 5k. I'm nervous to say the least.

The course is going to be through a neighborhood and appears mostly flat, which I am looking forward to since I haven't done much training.

I know Jon will be running right beside me the whole time encouraging me. I feel like I'm holding him back, but I know it helps him feel good about helping me out. He's so amazing. I'm looking forward to starting and finishing the race with him.

I think finishing the race will be a big dose of encouragement to me. A boost of confidence. I know that once I finish that race I need to sign up for another one; it will help me stay committed.

However, for the time being, I'm nervous.

In the words of Emeril Lagasse....

On Saturday my husband and I went for a jog. We were only going to do about 2 miles. The run on the way out went fine. It was a little slow -- 10:23 on the way out. However, the run back was worse. I felt myself giving up, slowing down, wanting to walk. Jon said something to me and I snapped at him. All he said was "you're doing great," but I felt like a failure. I felt he was patronizing me, and I didn't like it, and I let him know it.

Using it as an excuse, I stopped running and started walking. Now, I know any exercise is better than none, but I was perfectly capable of running the rest of the way.

After we finished our "run," we walked back to our apartment. (Total time: 22:52.) I apologized after I cooled down. And then came the revelation...

I don't push myself very far, I settle. I talked about how in all my running career I've done just enough.

My first year of cross country I didn't push myself, I was already the fastest on the girls' team, which wasn't saying much. My second year of cross country, I was frustrated by a faster teammate, and while I did push myself a little more, it was never enough to do much. My third and final year, I was determined to make it to state. Somehow or another I tapped into a fast vein. I had come to grips with having a faster teammate, and once I got over the jealousy, we helped push each other. Throughout the season I got better and ended up with a 19:59 for a 5k race. I was ecstatic! When it came time for districts, I had to be in the top 10 to go to state. Again, I did just enough, placing 10th at districts, qualifying for state but not going for a better position. State came and with it I lost my fast vein. Whatever had motivated me to run faster was gone and I didn't know how to get it back. I placed 47th. My teammate placed 10th with a time of 19:59, my time just two or three weeks prior! I felt disappointed, but when you do just enough, you can't expect to be the best.

Track was the same story. My first year, junior year, I ran the 2-mile mostly. At districts, I placed high enough to run at regionals. At regionals, top 5 go to state but only the top 4 run with the 5th being an alternate. I ran the race in 6th place most of the time. With 2 laps to go, my coach told me to go for it and to catch the girl in front of me. I ran faster those last 2 laps and eventually passed her with about 100 yards left in the race. I placed 5th, which made me the alternate. While it was exciting going to state, I didn't get to run. My senior year was along the same old lines....doing just enough. Most of the season I ran a 13 minute 2-mile. At regionals, my coach told me to run with my teammate, who was really fast. I ran behind her the whole time pacing her. I finished 2nd with a time of 12:06. 12:06!! My best prior to that was 12:56. At the time I thought it was awesome. Looking back, I realize how lazy I had been in other races. I could have done better, placed higher, and could have had a better personal record. A week later at state I placed 8th. Only the top 8 placed, so when I started the race I made sure I was in 8th place and didn't let anyone pass me, nor did I pass anyone else. I ended up running 2 seconds faster and placed 8th, again doing just enough.

It seems that in my life I always do just enough, never pushing for more. In school it was the same old story. I hadn't really thought about it much until I was walking home after my run on Saturday.

In conclusion, I'm going to work on getting better at pushing myself, doing more than necessary. I'm going to go above and beyond in running, in work, in life. It's time I set a pace that pushes me almost to the breaking point, pushing me to become someone better. In the words of Emeril Lagasse....it's time I kick it up a notch!

My biggest struggle when it comes to exercising is motivation. I decide at the beginning of the day that I'm going to exercise and as the day progresses, my criticism increases as well. I begin thinking that I can't do it. Excuses flood my mind. "I would rather watch TV." "I'm too tired." "It's been a stressful day." "I just want to relax."

Every day it's the same old thing. Fortunately this week my husband is home and daily asks me when we're going for our walk. We walked a little on Saturday, about a mile on Sunday, an undetermined amount on Monday (we went to a park), 2 miles on Tuesday, and a short 1/2 mile walk yesterday. I guess it's good that I'm doing some, even if it's just a half mile. Something is better than nothing.

Yesterday's walk almost didn't happen. It was pouring when I got home, and I wasn't about to get soaked. Finally around 9 pm the skies cleared long enough for us to take a short walk. It felt good to get out and about.

Today I'm going to go for at least a mile walk after work and before dinner. This will allow me to de-stress and get it done before I get busy making dinner, cleaning, and watching TV. Plus it will give me time to talk to Jon while we walk. That's one thing I really enjoy about walking with Jon is the chance to just talk without too many distractions, without trying to squeeze it in between commercials.

Day 3 - Nothing

Day 3 I didn't run. Yesterday was a very stressful day. And yet again I'm making excuses about not running. I passed through a whirlwind the last couple hours at work, being blown from task to task, quickly and swiftly. After taking bank deposits to 3 different banks, I swung by the store to get groceries. I quickly made it through the store and finally made it home feeling exhausted. I decided I was going to skip running because I was exhausted and I wanted to just sit and watch Gilmore Girls.

I knew the best thing to do was to exercise, but I didn't want to. My laziness proved stronger than my will to exercise. I regret missing that 3rd day, but that seems to be my M.O. I exercise for a couple days and then stop. I need to find a way to change this.

Jon comes home today, so maybe I can convince him to go for a long walk tonight to get some exercise in. I know he's been hiking all week long, but he's supportive of me exercising, so I think he will be willing to go with me.

Day 3 Accomplishments:
None.

Day 4 (Fri) Goals:
1. Walk for a mile total.

Day 5 (Sat) Goals:
1. Walk 2 miles.

Day 6 (Sun) Goals:
1. Walk 1.5 miles.

I have listed the goals for the weekend because I am rarely online then. Hopefully this time I can get those goals, which I should easily be able to accomplish those goals, provided I don't play the lazy card again.

Day 2 - 1 mile 15:08

I arrived at home determined to go for a run outside. It was just as warm as the day before -- 93 degrees -- but I was going to do it. I walked over to the trail and started jogging. Immediately a battle ensued. My mental game is still not working properly. Part of me wants to run faster, part of me wants to walk. I maintain a slower pace I set for myself, fighting the urge to go faster.

After a few minutes, I start walking. I feel defeated at not getting my goal to run the whole time, but then again, I'm just beginning again. I walk for a little while and then jog a little. This routine continues until I get to the half mile mark. I decide to turn around and head back. Another goal is not completed (running to the mile marker), but I'm just beginning and a mile total is still good.

My "run" finishes as I arrive at the apartment complex. 1 mile in 15:08. Not bad, but not quite where I want to be, but I'll get there.

Day 2 Accomplishments:
1. Exercised for 15 minutes.
2. Ran/walked a mile.

Day 3 Goals:
1. Run to the half mile mark, walk to the mile marker, turn around and run to the half mile mark, and walk the remaining half mile.
2. Relax and enjoy the run/walk.

Day 1 Struggles

All throughout the work day I was ready and determined to get home and run. I was debating, however, whether to try running outside on the paved trail or whether to run on the treadmill in the air conditioned room. I decided the treadmill since it was 93 degrees when I got off work.

I get home and as soon as I walk in the door I'm hit with my first temptation to pass on running. It's pretty bad when it's day 1 and I don't want to go. However, I knew that I needed to. So, after reading my Bible, I got changed and walked to the workout room. The treadmill was available. I turned on the AC and hopped on the machine.

I turned up the speed to 5.0 and then 5.5. It felt good at first, but then my mental game lost. I started doubting my abilities to run. I started dragging myself down, telling myself I couldn't do it, I couldn't run further. I slowed down to a speed walk only to get frustrated with myself. Back to 5.5. I look at the time and the distance and realize my pace is worse than a 10 minute mile pace. I bumped it up to 6. I felt defeated. I bumped the speed to 7. A longer stride and I felt good.

But then my left hip and my right knee started hurting. (This is the same knee that I injured in college.) I lowered my speed. Finally I stopped. Giving up for the day. I had run for 9 minutes, 12 seconds for a distance of 0.77 miles. I was disappointed. However, I at least gave it a shot.

Today I've decided that I'm going to run outside. I know I tend to run at a slower pace when I'm on the road, but at least there I know that once I run out, I have to run back as well. It's not like the treadmill where I can get off at any moment.

Day 1 Accomplishments:
1. Ignored my excuses and ran.
2. I ran 0.77 miles in 9:12.

Day 2 Goals:
1. Run outside.
2. Run to mile marker on trail and back.
3. Run the entire time, even if I have to go at a slower pace.

The Beginning of my Run

I read a blog today about an older man running (http://oldmanrunning.org/) and it inspired me to change my blog. Mostly my blog has been about my complaints about my job, my husband, and various other things, but that's all about to change. Today I decided I'm going to blog about my journey back to running.

Here's some history:

Freshman year in high school (2000): I was going to join the cross country team with my brother, but I chickened out. He told me their races were 3.1 miles long, and at that point in my life I thought it was a long ways. We had been running together all summer; I usually only ran about a mile or mile and a half round trip, not much, but better than nothing. So instead of XC, I did volleyball (I had played it for a year in junior high and enjoyed it). Occasionally during practices we would do the mile run or run downtown. I was always at the front. I remember one day in particular. All of the volleyball players, varsity included, went out to the track to run the mile. I stayed right up front with the older girls, finishing second or third overall, with the top 3 all running next to each other. My time was about 5:30. The XC team had been stretching and warming up the whole time we were running. The XC coach was impressed, or so my brother told me later. I finished the volleyball season determined to not do it next year but to join the XC team.

Sophomore year (2001): I joined the XC team, and much to my surprise, 3 other girls did. (There hadn't been a girls XC team in a few years.) I was the fastest out of the 4 of us; however, my best time was around 24 or 25 minutes. The season ended with only 1 guy going to State. The following spring I played softball (I had played since I started in tee-ball and was a pretty good catcher). However, the season was different. It wasn't fun, so after practice I started going up the track to learn how to pole vault with my brother. On Saturdays before my practice, I would run with the track team. (I never ended up pole vaulting once I did join track.)

Junior year (2002): I was excited for XC. We were supposed to have a really fast freshman girl on our team. I knew this would help me become a better runner. Sure enough, my time improved. My average time dropped about a minute by the end of the season. It was nice having someone to run with who could push me. That year, only my brother Josh (the same one mentioned twice above) went to state. He placed 5th at state. The spring began and I joined track. Instantly I knew I was happier. I ran the mile, 2-mile, and the 4x4. (I am not a sprinter, so the 4x4 was hard for me.) At our regional track meet I placed 5th in the 2-mile, which allowed me to go to State as the Regional Alternate. I was excited to go, even if I was most likely not going to compete. Sure enough, I didn't compete, but I was there.

Senior year fall semester (2003): This was my year I had decided. My fast "freshman" teammate was on the team yet again and we decided it was time for a girl to go to state, so we pushed ourselves. My teammate always ran faster than I did, but it pushed me, and she told me I pushed her (usually with my words more than my speed). We were a great pair. She won several races that season and placed in the top 10 almost every time. I didn't, but my time did get better. Finally we were at a meet that determined district teams (not that the teams really matter, it was more for ranking purposes), and it was on our home course. (I'm getting butterflies just thinking about it!) We ran hard with her finishing 1st and me 7th! Not only that, but we both ran under 20 minutes. She ran 19:27 (or something like that) and I ran 19:59! Yes, it's only 1 second under 20 minutes, but under is under! We went to the District race, the one that determined who would go to state. Only the top 10 in our race went to state, and we were determined. Running hard in 30 degree weather in shorts and tank tops, we both placed in the top 10, her placing 2nd and me placing 9th if I remember correctly. State was two weeks later and we were pumped. We were the only 2 from our school who made it, but our teammates were extremely supportive and encouraging. At state, my teammate ran my time of 19:59 and placed 10th. I ran 22:02 and placed 47th. Overall, it was a great race and a great memory.

Senior year spring semester (2004): The 2-mile became my race. Again, I had a teammate who was a freshman who was very fast. All season long I ran around 13 minutes for a 2 mile, my best was 12:56. At our regional track meet my coach told me to run with my freshman teammate up front. I did. I followed right behind here all 8 laps finishing in a time of 12:06, beating my best time by 50 seconds! I was astounded and my coach was excited. I didn't know I had it in me. State was the next week. I went in ranked 9th and only the top 8 podium/get a medal. I kept a pretty good pace and ended up in 8th place. I didn't let anyone pass me and yet I didn't pass anyone either. I remained in 8th place. I finished in 8th place, but I finished with a time of 12:04! My personal best in the 2-mile. My freshman teammate placed 1st. But that didn't bother me. I was excited we both placed. It was kind of humorous, she was first on the podium and I was last on the podium, but we were both on it. It was a great way to end the season and my high school running career.

College (2004): I began college anxious like anyone else, but excited too. I met a couple of my xc teammates; I even shared my Cheerios with one girl. We were excited to being our college running careers. The first day began with a morning run. The girls ran a hilly dirt trail on campus. It felt good when we were done. Later that day we had another run. At some point during the run, my right knee started to hurt. I didn't think anything of it because with running you're bound to have a little pain every now and again. By the end of the run, I could barely run on it. The next day I went to the trainer's office only to find out I had injured my illiotibial band (IT Band). As a result I spent the rest of the season in the trainer's office getting deep tissues massages and training to exercise on the elliptical. Finally the decision to take a year off running was made, and it broke my heart. Running had been my passion; I loved it, and now I wasn't able to do it.

The rest of college I didn't run except every now and again when I decided I was going to start again. I used the busyness of life as an excuse not to run. It was no longer a priority. As a result I gained weight. I'm no longer the 120 pound girl. As of last night I was 146.8 pounds, which does not look good on a 5'4" woman.

Now it's time to begin again, and this time it's going to stick. I'm going to run every day regardless of what is going on. I need to get back to a better weight and back to a fast pace. It's my goal to run a 5k again in under 25 minutes. It's my goal to run a half-marathon. It's my goal to run a marathon. It's my goal to restart my running life.

Spinning in a Hamster Wheel

Sunday afternoon I was hit with the flu. It started out as a headache and developed into something worse. Eventually I was spending more time in the bathroom than I wanted. My loving husband graciously got cold wash cloths for me; he even put one in the fridge to get really cool. Once the one on my head was no longer cool he would switch it out.

Monday morning I woke up still not feeling well, so I stayed home from work. I didn't throw up again, but I still did not feel well. The fever had left, but the headache lingered. Unfortunately, Jon had to leave that morning for yet another backpacking trip. I cried knowing he wasn't there to take care of me.

As I laid on the couch all day watching episode after episode of Gilmore Girls I started to think about work. It was then that I knew I didn't want to work full time anymore. I opened Excel and looked at the spreadsheet I made estimated our monthly expenses and our estimated income we needed to pay those expenses. After taking out Jon's current income, the math works that I could make a third of what I'm making now and everything would be covered.

Now it's just a matter of whether I want to work part time at my current job or at a different job. I really need to talk to Jon about it too since it affects him. Most likely at my current job I wouldn't work part time until after I finished automating our CAMs (Common Area Maintenance), which is supposed to be done before the year is done...we'll see how that goes.

I know I probably won't leave this job until after the CAMs are automated. I guess I feel like I have to be here until that is done, since I did the manual CAMs this year and it would take too long to train someone else on that. So, I feel responsible for that; however, once I complete that I will be able to use that as a good example of my work.

As nice as the idea of working part time appeals to me, most likely I will continue working full time until I have kids for two reasons: 1. Money -- Extra money can be used to pay off debt or saved. 2. Time -- I think that if I worked only half days I would become somewhat lazy, most likely watching too much television.

In the meantime, I will continue to plug away at a job that does not satisfy me nor stimulates me. I will stay in my hamster cage running in the wheel, not going anywhere, not accomplishing anything.

Home Owners - Stage 1 - Designing a House

"Costs too much." "Wrong neighborhood." "Too small." "Ugly." "Too far away." These have all been comments made while peering through real estate magazines. No we aren't buying a house, but we were looking to see what is available in our area.

I'm not sure came first: me pulling out my house designs I have drawn up over the years, or Jon mentioning that we should just buy land and build a house on it. Either way, we both felt really good about that idea and decided to glace through the designs to find which would be best for us at this stage in our life. Looking through some of the more recent ones (by recent I mean about 2006 or 2007), we picked one that we really liked.

After talking for a little while we decided we were going to take a walk and look at the vacant lots that are in the area we currently live. We like the area where we currently live, so it makes sense to look at that land around us first. We walked around a few blocks looking at 4 different plots of land. We liked on in particular. (I found out today that it is 1.03 acres and $70,000.)

We walked home and pulled out some software given to us to create house plans on a computer. I started with the plan I had drawn and put it on the computer. After a couple hours of work, I have quite a bit done, not all of it, but a good chunk of it. Finally my husband told me to stop and go to bed. (It was 11 o'clock already.)

Thinking about it now, I'm a little concerned about how much it is going to cost us to build the house because it is a little larger than I anticipated. Tonight I'm going to finish the one I am working on and then start on a revised version on it, a little smaller and cheaper.

But as we embark on this journey of becoming home owners, I am excited and ready to go!

Winning Conversationg

I arrived home yesterday, worn out and ready to relax, but anxious to talk to Jon about our money situation. I walked into the living room, gave him a kiss, and asked if I could talk to him. I walked to our bedroom because his brother has been staying with us for a couple days, and I wasn't about to get into it with Jon in front of his brother, especially since it doesn't concern him.

Jon followed me to the room and we sat on the bed ready to talk. I calmly explained what I was thinking about in regards to him not following the budget and over spending. As I predicted he got a little upset. He tried using the excuse of not seeing the budget recently and not knowing where we were at. I told him that the only part of the budget I was concern about was dining out. I told him that that money was to be used for us going out together, not for him going to Wendy's by himself or me to Taco Bell by myself, it's date night money. He understood that and said that he would make more of an effort.

Overall I felt it was a productive discussion. I expressed my desire for us to stay on track and use that money for our date nights and for him to be more resourceful and make a lunch at home. He was a little upset when it was over, but he made sure I knew that he was willing to work on it and that he still loved me.

Communicating to Jon has been a little difficult sometimes, mostly because I don't get to real reason behind my feelings and frustrations, but yesterday I felt as though I had completed my mission in stating what I truly felt and what I wanted changed.

Marriage WON - Fighting - LOST.

When Money is Tight, We Tend to Fight

Sitting at my desk, I transferred the info from the receipts to the checkbook watching the balance dwindle. Finally I get them all written down. $39.92 left. I call my husband to let him know.

Me: "Hey babe, whatcha doing?"

Jon: "Coming back from Cabella's with Dave."

"Yeah? What are you guys going to do now?

"Go eat lunch."

"Leftovers?"

"No......we're going to get some cheap food."

"Well just so you know we have about $40 in our account. I had to pay the Citi card. So you're going to be spending money we don't really have to be spending?"

"Um....."

"That's fine I guess." ("Not really," I think.) "Just don't spend a lot. Money is tight right now. Our check for church hasn't cleared yet, so we'll be fine." ("But it will clear.")

The conversation ends with me giving in to his pleading to go out to eat. However, I know that we already went over budget on dining out this month, mostly because we did more traveling this month.

As a result I'm more stressed about money than I was earlier. I know God will provide, but it would help if Jon stuck to the budget we made. In order to save money, I've stopped going to Starbucks, I've stopped suggesting we go to Dairy Queen (not that we don't go, Jon suggests it and ice cream is my weakness), I've stopped buying clothes and shoes, and I've only bought the necessities when we go grocery shopping. I feel like I've been making an effort to save money and stay on budget but Jon hasn't, and it is so frustrating!

I've decided that tonight I am going to pull Jon aside and talk to him about how I'm feeling in regards to money. He knows I constantly worry about money and whether we will have enough, but I think most times he just shrugs it off as "God will provide" and doesn't realize how he can reduce his spending to stay on budget. Tonight I need to make him understand.

Pray for me as I try to show him what he is doing and how it is affecting our bottom line and our relationship.

Just Let Go, Michelle.

The breakdown came Sunday night. I snapped at Jon. I blame it mostly on being tired, having not slept much the night before. But I snapped nonetheless. I went to the bedroom, threw myself on the bed, and clutching a pillow started crying. Finally I talked to Jon.


The next morning he would be leaving yet again for a backpacking trip making this 3 weeks in a row that he was gone during the week. I wasn't happy about that. I told him that next summer he can't do that to me. He would have to tell his boss that his wife wouldn't let him do that next summer. I told Jon how hard it was for me for him to be gone for 3 weeks in a row. It wasn't fair that one guy gets to take the week off to go to Colorado for a few days. (Now I don't know the reason he went there, but he is there.) It wasn't fair to our marriage. It wasn't fair to me.


I also vented about my worries regarding money. I know God has provided everything I needed and when I needed it; He provided an additional $200 check from a contest I won when I stayed home sick and didn't work. But I still worry. I know it's not the Christian thing to do, but I still struggle with that. It's not that we can't make our bills, it's just I keep thinking about the amount of debt we have and how we are going to pay that off while still trying to save money for emergencies and a down payment. I told Jon how I wished we could just received a $10,000 check in the mail. That would pay off the credit cards and allow us to save more money more quickly.


I worry about our trip to Banff for several reasons. First is having the money saved up to pay for everything like food, gas, and lodging while there. Second is having the money saved up to cover our bills that are due since I don't get a paid vacation this year. Jon mentioned not taking a vacation but I told him we had to. My mom told me that even if I don't get paid, I need to take one. Everyone needs a break. Not taking vacations is a sure fire way to get burnt out.

I was reminded today by a friend that the things in my life I view as mountains are merely bumps in the road, not really that big or significant and easy to overcome. My problem is that I have taken my eyes and trust away from God. I have been trying to control my life when I have no control over it. I need to keep it in the hands of the One who knows what is best for me and just trust Him to fill in the blanks. It's time I spent more time praying and reading the Bible. It's time I really trust God with my life, my finances, and my husband. Just let go, Michelle.

It's Friday. The sun is shining. The weather hot. I have exciting weekend plans that includes camping with my family, and yet the day drags by as I wait for 5 o'clock to come and I'm free from my prison called work.

It's not hard work at all. Fact is, it's pretty easy -- too easy. The truth is that I haven't really liked it here, but because of the economy there is no escape. There's no tunnel from my cell that provides a way out. I'm stuck here. How long is my sentence? 10 years? 20? Life? Will there ever be a parole hearing that will spring the gates of my cell wide open?

As I sit here in my cell waiting for the time I can get outside, even if only for a little while, I looked through the barred window wondering when my time will come. When will I walk out the doors for the last time? When will I finally set my foot on grounds that are not a prison? When will my parole come? When will I be done serving my sentence in this prison called work?

Montana Trip -- The Grass Isn't Always Greener

This past holiday weekend Jon and I went to Montana to stay with some friends in their parents' cabins. We left Thursday evening and arrived at the cabin at about 10:45 pm. In the cabin we were staying were two other people, one I am friends with and another I hadn't met yet. I was exhausted when we arrived, but sleep was not coming for at least another hour. Instead we all stayed up talking until past midnight. Finally we were off to bed.

Rays of sunshine lit up the room at 5 in the morning. After not getting much sleep, this was not a welcomed wake up. For the next couple hours I became trapped in a cycle of broken sleep, waking up, falling asleep, waking up, falling asleep. Waving my white flag I got out of bed trying to wake my groggy self up completely.

I suggested going for a walk thinking we'd get outside for a little bit until we went back to shower. We ended up walking to the other cabin and the idea of a shower quickly diminished as our day got started. We ended up gathering our stuff and going to Bowman Lake in Glacier National Park. After some kayaking and canoeing we headed back to the cabin to sit around and relax.

Saturday, the 4th of July, we attended the local parade, which turned out to be more like a thrown together march of the rednecks. The parade lasted about 20 minutes at the most and that included them going up the road and back down it. As we walked back to the car, Loran and Ryan (the couple whose parents own the cabins) started snapping at each other. They continued to argue a few times saying mean things back and forth to each other. On one hand it made them seem less perfect and on the other hand it made things very uncomfortable.

Before the parade Sarah and I walked back to our cabin to get our cameras. On the way I mentioned how there seems to be some tension between Loran and Ryan. Sarah told me a few things I didn't know. She started with how he doesn't help Loran with the kids. Rather than stay at the cabin with her, he came over to our cabin and stayed with Jed. (Loran had to deal with one kid under 2 years old and a 2 week old baby. She was getting no sleep and no help.) Sarah told me that right after Addie was born, Loran woke up in the middle of the night to a crying baby and asked Ryan to go get her. His response was no, that's your job. The next morning he told her to never again ask him to do that. I found myself thinking what a sexist jerk he was.

Previously I had thought he was such a great guy and how lucky Loran was to be married to him. (Please note that I do love Jon and I wouldn't have married anyone but him.) But after hearing what Sarah said I found myself being grateful I wasn't in her shoes. To not have the help of my husband when I have a baby would be a major let down. I know my Jon would always be right there willing to help out, even if he was tired from rafting all day.

Back at the cabin, Loran and Ryan stayed outside to talk. The other four of us, Jed, Sarah, Jon and I, decided we were going to go on a hike to Cyclone Peak Lookout. We weren't quite sure where the trail head was but we thought we would try to find it. Sarah had been there once. Eventually we found our way to the trail head and started up the hill. We continued at a fairly quick pace and after about an hour we reached to top. The view was amazing! We could see mountains and lakes all around us. It started sprinkling so we headed back down. We reached our car in 30 minutes. We headed back to the cabin.

After finding Loran asleep we headed to the barn where Ryan was to play up in the loft. Sarah and I decided to go into town to get some cookies for later. When we returned Loran was up and she proceeded to give us a long shpeal about how sorry they were for fighting in front of us.

Sunday finally came and after cleaning up we headed back home to Washington. I was grateful to leave, ready for a break from everyone and ready to be at home where I would feel more comfortable. Finally we made it home, after 5 hours and 15 minutes in the car (with about 3 stops for gas, food, and the bathroom). We unloaded everything, my muscles aching from the hike the day before.

I'm grateful to be home. Grateful to have a loving husband. Grateful to find out that my favorite sister-in-law is expecting a baby. (We're hoping for a girl since she already has two boys.) I'm just grateful for the life I have, the husband I married.

Division in the Family

During my daily log in to Facebook I stumbled across a status update of my sister-in-law. It read: "very happy to have four kids in our family now. Come join us for a BBQ to celebrate this Sunday at 2 at the house." My first thought was, "Jon and I aren't doing anything, so we could probably go." I asked and sure enough he didn't have plans. I commented to say we would be there.

About an hour later a different thought crossed my mind. I wondered if anyone in the family had been invited. I wondered if I hadn't seen that post if I would have known about it. I emailed my mom to see if she knew anything about it. Answer: No.

Does my sister-in-law even want us there? Part of me thinks that she wouldn't have told us and that if we didn't come, she would bad mouth us to her friends. "Yeah Frank's family doesn't care about us. They didn't even come to the BBQ." I wonder what the kids would think. "Does Grandma and Grandpa not like Samson? Do my aunts and uncles and cousins not like him? Why don't we get to see Dad's side of the family much?"

Unfortunately this isn't the first time this has happened. After a fight with my parents in Feb. 2005 my sister-in-law turned against the family. They didn't invite us over for birthdays. They didn't come for holidays. It caused friction in the family. Everyone knew something was wrong, but she was too stubborn to work it out. It came to a head in Dec 2008 when she sent a nasty email out to the family about how we aren't involved in her kids lives and what a horrible family we are. My mom confronted Frank about it and he had no clue she had sent it. They did end up coming over for Christmas, which was very awkward.

I called my brother to find out the low down on the BBQ. Turns out it is a family event, we just weren't told about it. He mentioned her being really busy and might not have had time to send out an email. He also mentioned she was probably sending emails to my mom but was probably using a wrong email address. I called her but no response yet. It could very well be she is too busy, but then again, how long does it take to send an email saying "BBQ at our house Sunday st 2 pm to celebrate Samson joining the family." Not long at all.

Surfing Isn't Always Good

A couple weeks ago I went rafting on the Wenatchee. I mentioned my anxieties but never mentioned the results.

Trip #1 -- This trip was a donor/volunteer appreciation trip, so everyone on it was either a donor or volunteer. Four rafts were slated to go. I opted to go with Jon in his raft -- after all, I trust him with my life. We had a pretty good time taking the lead. But one raft sprung a leak. It had gone over some rocks that put some holes in the boat. As a result it was losing air and needed to be patched. We eddied out while they tried to fix it. Eventually it was fixed. Back on the river we continued down the rapids. Our boat made it through them all just fine. One boat dumped everyone at a rapid called Rodeo. I was grateful not to be in that boat. The trip ended without any other flips.

After lunch we all hung out. Relaxing. Jon went back to camp to switch out rafts. They had a second trip that afternoon with a group. The group only had 12 people, enough for 2 rafts, so some staff and volunteers, including myself, took a 3rd boat while others took inflatable kayaks.

Trip #2 -- In my boat were 2 guides, one of the guide's wife, a friend of the other guide, and me. Five people in all. We took the lead and everything went OK for the most part. I got a chance to "ride the bronco" through rapids known as Snow Blind. Before the rapid I slipped and fell in. I got back in and back up front in time for the rapids. It was a lot of fun! We each took turns riding the bronco. Jerry, the friend, was up next. He was going to ride it through Grannies. The other 4 of us started paddling, getting set up perfectly for the wave.

We went up the wave, paused (not having enough power to get over), and got pulled back down it and turned sideways. We were now surfing the wave sideways. This was not a good situation. We weren't going anywhere. Just sitting there. Waiting. Waiting for the wave to catch us and flip us. I looked to the left just in time to see the raft coming up. "It's going to flip," I thought. And "I hope it doesn't land on me." Fortunately it didn't hit me. However, I was dumped in the water.

I clung to my paddle with the line "your paddle is your ticket back into the boat" drilled in my head. I was still submerged in water feeling like I was being churned around like butter. The instructions "make yourself really big" played over and over again in my head. I reached as far as I could, feeling the current at my fingertips. I was still being churned. I was running out of breath. I needed to get out of the water and get a breath of air. "I'm going to die here," I thought, instantly thinking of Jon and how this might affect him. It scared me. Still reaching out the current caught me and pulled me up. I broke the surface gasping for air. One quick breath and I was plunged under water again by another wave. Up again I tried getting another breath only to be hit by a wave resulting in more water inhaled than air. I tried getting to the boat only to be hit by one wave after another. I was panicking. I was terrified. "I'm not going to make it" kept running through my head.

Finally I grabbed the front of the boat, not the ideal place. I tried going around to the side but had no energy or courage to let go. One of the guides saw me and asked if I was OK. "No," I quietly responded while coughing up more and more water. Finally someone pulled me into the boat. Everyone else was there. I still had my paddle. One guide had his. We had to paddle quickly to get to the take out. The kayakers had the best view. They saw us approach the wave, saw us sideways, and knew that it would be a matter of time. They saw us flip. Paddles going everywhere. Fortunately they were there to gather the paddles. One of our kayakers brought over the other paddles. We paddled hard to get to the take out. I paddled though mentally I had checked out. We carried our raft up the ramp. How I had the strength to lift it I have no idea.

Once the raft was set down the events that just occurred flashed through my mind. I saw myself on the boat, in the water, running out of air, being hit by wave after wave, gasping for air, scared out of my mind. I saw Jon and went up to him. He wrapped me in a hug and let me talk as tears came to my eyes. I told him how I felt and what went through my mind. He let me cry on his shoulder briefly, though not as much as I needed to.

I couldn't get my wet suit off. I didn't have the strength. I asked Jon for help. Once changed the adrenaline wouldn't go away. My hands kept shaking. I couldn't hold still. I tried putting on a brave face, knowing deep inside how shaken up I was. Eventually it wore off and I was able to relax.

That night I lay in the tent with Job. I told him again what I went through (even though he had seen my boat dump) and the thoughts I thought and the emotions I felt. I broke down and just cried on his shoulder. Tears flowed out unchecked while he held me close whispering words of love and comfort in my ear.

A week and a half later the events of that second trip are still fresh in my mind. I see us surfing the wave. I see the raft on the left coming up to dump us. I feel the churning waters and the current at my fingertips. The same thoughts flood my head. I feel the continual hit of the wave train. I feel myself being limply pulled into the boat. I see myself paddling once again and the lack of strength I had. I see myself feebly carrying the boat up the ramp. Lastly, I see me hugging Jon as he tells me everything is OK and that he loves me.

Missing Out Camp Style

Right after I graduated high school I went to work at a camp. It was at this camp that I met my husband. I worked two summers there and then got an internship that prohibited me from doing that. After college I got married at the camp and moved there with my husband. We lived there for 7 months in a small but cozy cabin. This camp will always have a special place in my heart.

Living elsewhere now I feel like I'm missing out. I'm no longer driving to camp to visit Jon on weekends. I'm no longer living there interacting daily with staff and campers. As a result I feel like I'm being left behind.

I know that a big part of life includes moving on and leaving things behind, but why this? It's tough seeing the updates on camp and knowing I'm not there. But I must move on, at least for now.

Maybe someday we will go back to the camp. Maybe when the camp director retires and offers the job to Jon. I don't know if Jon will accept it or not; we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now I just need to focus on the new things I'm partaking in rather than the things I'm missing out on.

Nervous Waters

Saturday I'm going white water rafting on the Wenatchee River here in Washington. I'm kind of nervous. Not to go rafting, I've been several times on the Spokane, but to go rafting on the Wenatchee.

Jon told me of several occurences where they have dumped their boats. He told me how he dumped his boat once and he (the guide) got swept down the river while all the paddlers clung to the boat. He even told me they were going to go practice safer lines to avoid dumping. When someone says they are going to practice not dumping, that to me has a big red caution flag waving above it.

I trust Jon completely, but you really never know what could happen on the river. Sometimes the unfortunate things happen. Honestly I'm nervous about going. Not because I haven't been before, but because they have dumped their boats more often on the Wenatchee than on the Spokane. I'm definitely nervous about it. Hopefully I don't chicken out.

Jon's Gone Part 2

It was 9:15 pm and I began to worry. Jon hadn't called. He's called by 8:30 every night this past week. Last night he didn't. A little annoyed, but mostly worried, I texted him only to find out he would be calling me "a lot later." I asked for a time estimate to get an answer of maybe 11. Eleven o'clock? I'm usually asleep by then. Why he would be so late I wouldn't find out until he called that night.

The reason for the late call was he was watching Fiddler on the Roof. First off, that is not a movie my husband would EVER have chosen to watch. Second, they are out camping--isn't part of camping getting outdoors and not watching movies? Third, how hard is it to call me before the movie to chat? Surely he had some notification that they would be watching a movie.

I felt myself becoming angry. When he did call, the total call time was about a minute. Talk about "quality time" (insert sarcasim here!). He told me he would call me the next day (today), but being my vengeful self I told him not to; I would be too busy -- exersing, eating, cleaning, and of course watching a couple movies. I added the movies just to jab just a little more.

I hung up on him and grew madder and madder with each passing minute that he did not call me back. Finally I texted him and told him not to call me the next day. I knew the next day I would want him to call, but I was so mad at him and I wanted to hit him where it hurt most.

Finally I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and on my way to work he texted me telling me he was sorry. By then I had calmed down and told him I forgave him and that I wanted to talk to him tonight.

There is only today and tomorrow and I'm off to see him. I'm leaving tomorrow at 5 pm and driving straight over there. I'm excited to see him, kiss him, hug him, and tell him I love him.

Wenatchee River Trip - Day 1

Everything was packed last night. Clothes were laid out, toiletries sealed in leak proof Ziplock bags, games gathered, and reading and writing materials set next to the games.

I woke up this morning at 6:15 a.m. Jon was stretched out on the couch watching CMT waiting for time to tick by until he needs to leave. Immediately I joined him on the couch, wanting to spend as much time with him as possible before he left for two weeks.

About 20 minutes later he decided it was time to load up. Fighting tears, I helped him load all of his bags into the car. With a hug, a kiss, and a promise of safety, Jon climbed into the car and drove off to meet the group.

I walked upstairs and stretched out on the couch fighting tears again. I would see him in 8 days when I would go to visit him. Finally I got ready for work. Realizing Jon forgot his pillow, I left a few minutes early to swing by the warehouse to give it to him. A brief kiss and I was off to work.

It's been a slow day. I keep thinking of him and missing him. I know that when I go home tonight it will be worse. I'll make dinner for one and sleep in our bed alone. I'm anticipating a call, most likely a brief chat, but a call all the same. That will bring some relief but saddness will flow soon there after.

I have plenty to keep me busy. Exercising, deep cleaning my house (room by room), finishing my business plan, and making quilts. Plenty to do, but I know I will not want to do it. I know I will continually pause and think of my husband, hours away, and the tears will threaten to fall. I know I will let a few slip down my cheeks, mostly to release some tension.

The day to day tasks of getting ready for work, working, exercising, making dinner, and random projects should make the days go by quickly. In addition, on Saturday I have my nephews birthday party. Sunday, I have church in the morning but not much going on in the afternoon. That day will probably be the only difficult day to fill. All in all, so far I'm making it through.

Most probably think 2 weeks isn't much, but for me it is. We've only spent 5 days/4 nights apart at the most since we've been married. For me it's a difficult thing. I love spending every day with Jon. I miss him already and day 1 is not even over yet.

Prego -- Left behind?

Every time I turn around it seems that someone new is pregnant. I log into Facebook and on someone's wall are posts of congratulations. I see friends glowing and growing rounder with each new day. I'm happy for them, really I am, but part of me wonders if I'm being left behind.

Jon and I discussed we would wait a couple years after being married before starting a family. We've been married one year now and are still planning on waiting another year before we conceive. I know I want to wait another year because I'm still adjusting to Jon's new job and I want to have all of our credit cards paid off, which by next year will be done.

But then comes the pressure of family. I was the last of my family to get married, as was Jon. All of my married brothers have children, except one (his wife cannot have children). My brother Josh had his first child right after his second year of college and his second child during his fourth year (he went to 4 1/2 years of college). My younger brother John followed suit and had his first child in the middle of his third year and is planning to have another one right after he graduates college (year 5). Josh was married at the beginning of his second year and John was married right before his third year. So both of them have been married longer than I have. Josh almost 4 years and John 1 year. I waited until I graduated college to get married.

As a result of my waiting to get married, my nieces and nephews are getting older and I never seem to hear the end of comments like "our children need cousins" or "you should have children" or "you should be next to have kids." I know that we're going to have children, but not yet. And it's frustrating on one hand to have my family constantly nag me about having children and another that I know there are other things I want to do right now without being strapped down with children. Your life changes when you have kids; I've seen in happen.

Part of me would love to have children right now, but at the same time I know that Jon and I aren't ready. Some times, particularly when I hear about another pregnant friend, I want to have kids sooner, but practically speaking I know we aren't ready yet. We want to have our credit cards to paid off and some money in savings before we had a child to the mix. I know I will be working less when we have kids, so I want to make sure we have our credit cards paid off and some money saved up. I want to have some debt paid off. I know we're not going to be completely debt free and I'm fine with that, but if we can reduce it some then that's great for us.

Sometimes I have felt left behind by those having babies now. But all in all, I'm glad I don't have kids yet. I'm not ready yet. We're not ready yet. I'm happy for now not having children. For now I'm content not having children. I'm not left behind. I'm waiting until it's right for me, for us.

Meant to be Ordinary

Call it a case of the Mondays. Call it depression. Call it whatever you want; it doesn't change that fact that some of us are just meant to be ordinary. To live ordinary lives. Not doing anything spectacular or noteworthy, just ordinary.

When I married my husband I told him I would move wherever he got a job because his career opportunities are limited. (There's not a lot you can do with an outdoor recreation degree.) We lived in western Washington for 6 months until we moved to Spokane, WA where we currently live. I found a job working as an accountanting assistant (seems beneath me considering I have an accounting degree). I feel like I've settled for a job that doesn't make me feel at all significant.

Is there something better out there for me? Something I would enjoy more than sitting at a desk doing journal entries and tying down financials?

I've often thought about what I would do if I were to lose my husband. One thought that constantly comes to mind is to move to L.A. and getting a career as an actress. I see myself getting a leading role right away and making a great deal of money right off the bat. I envision myself flirting with a handsome, talented actor. I see my picture on the cover of magazines, my high school classmates being jealous of my success, hanging out with other actors and actresses. I envision myslef walking into a random store and hearing the whispers of the presence of a famous actress being there. Of the crowds of people asking for my autograph or a picture with me. I see myself walking the red carpet in a gorgeous purple dress (afterall, purple is my favorite color).

But then my eyes open and I realize I still live in Spokane working as an accounting assistant. While I'm happy I'm still married to an amazing man, I'm dissatisfied with my ordinary life. I realize that I don't have to be rich and famous to be unique and significant, but it's hard to see anything but an ordinary life when I look at where I am at. Maybe someday I'll be somebody. Most likely I will still be just ordinary.

Time for Me -- A Marriage in Trouble

As I laid in bed last night next to my husband I said "I think our marriage is in trouble." Half awake he just put his arm around me. I asked if he heard what I said and he mumbled in the affirmative.

The last couple of weeks have been busy for him. I know this is the busy season for him in his career, but at the same time, he married me and I should come before work. I place him before mine. He works 6-7 days a week with most days up to 14 hours a day. Weekends are just as busy. Fortunately he has Sunday mornings off so we can go to church together.

Weekends have now become a marathon weekend for me. I'm up early on Saturday mornings so I can drive with Jon to the office. I help load all the rafting gear into the van. I help set it all up at the put in. I wait around until the group gets there and help with them getting their gear on. Then it's time for pictures. I drive the shuttle van, stopping to take pictures at the rapids. At the take out I set up the tarps for the gear, set up the bar-b-que, and grab the camera to take more pictures. Then I stand around waiting for the group to leave. I help pack up the bar-b-que things and hop in the van for a ride back. At the end of the day we head back to the warehouse to unload all the gear and wash it.

The same routine is done twice on Saturdays and once on Sundays. Both days are my regularly scheduled days off, but in order to see Jon, I volunteer to help. I give up my time off, my time to get a little more rest, my time to visit my family to maybe get a couple hours of time with him. Despite my sacrifices, I don't get quality time with him. The time I get is usually me standing around looking at him while he interacts with other people. I know it's his job, but it's really putting a strain on our relationship.

This past week he was home only twice in the evenings before 8:30 pm. Weekends are jammed pack. The only time we get together is when we're driving to and from places or after 9 pm when we are both exhausted and ready for bed.

The lack of quality time is really pushing us apart. I find myself getting upset at him for no reason. The real reason is I'm reacting to the lack of attention. I'm feeling like I'm competing with his job. He's making me feel like I don't matter, like I'm not important. It makes me wonder if he still loves me. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

The rafting season is almost over and then backpacking begins. He will be gone for a week and back for a day in which laundry and sleep will be top priorities. The next day is spent packing for the next trip and then he's gone yet again. This will continue until September and then the season slows down.

There's talk of adding a winter program. I'm not sure I support that, particularly with the limited staff they have. My marriage is already suffering. I don't know if I can stand another busy season. Right now I'm struggling and Jon doesn't seem to know what to do to fix it. They just need more staff because I need my husband.

Strained Relationship

Jon and I have been married for almost a year. Our anniversary is actually next month. But I wonder if it matters to him. Lately it seems I have taken a back seat to his career, and it frustrates me.

He works for an adventure company that does white water rafting, climbing, and backpacking. It's his dream job, and I was so excited for him. Little did I know how much it was going to affect our relationship. They have trips in the afternoons so he doesn't get home until about 8:30 or 9 pm, leaving only about an hour until I need to go to bed for work the next day. This week he has at least one trip today, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, & 2 on Saturday.

I try to help out when I can, mostly the weekends, but even that can be overbearing. Jon seems to think that just because I'm not working on the weekends that I want to be out all day shuttle driving and taking pictures. While I love being outside, I don't like that he expects me to use my days off to work. It might be selfish thinking, but I need time for me every now and again. Time to visit my family. Time to sleep in a little.

His long days are really frustrating me. I just want to spend time with him but I can't because he is on the river or at the warehouse cleaning or prepping gear. What about time with me? Weekends are taken up with trips. Occasionally he gets a day off during the week, but I work a regular 8 to 5 Monday to Friday job and can't take random days off at a moments notice.

Then comes the issue of our anniversary. He scheduled trips on our anniversary! Now granted he switched trips for our actual anniversary, but that still left the day before and day after to be arranged. What's the point of going away for your 1 year anniversary if it's just a day trip? He's trying to get something arranged, but so far it seems like nothing is being done. So how can I plan for a getaway when I don't know if we will even get away?

I know his job is important to him and it demands a lot of time, but at the same time I feel like it's changing his priorities. Changing how much time we get together. Ultimately moving us further apart. Although I have told him a few times how I feel and he apologizes and says he will make a better effort, it works for a couple days and then reverses back to what it was before. Me on the back burner slowly turning into mush.

Monday Moaning

On my drive to work today I got hit with yet another case of the Mondays. As I drove closer and closer to work I sank deeper and deeper into a depression about work. I really don't want to be here. I would rather be sleeping in at home, spending time with my husband, volunteering places.

Unfortunately there are these things called bills and even though I wish they didn't exist, they do. Simply wishing them gone doesn't make it true. Credit card bills, student loans, rent, cell phone bills, utilities, groceries. The reality is life costs money to live it. And, to be frank, my husband doesn't make enough money to cover those all and allow me to be just a housewife.

I just don't want to be here for work. Maybe if I worked elsewhere I would be happier, would enjoy going to work every day. But the question is, do I risk leaving my job, my paycheck, my health insurance for the unknown? Practicality tells me no. Happiness tells me yes.

Despite my lack of enthusiasm I am here. I press on, earning that next dollar, working till I get my 40 hours in. Working...not really wanting to be here...but working just the same.

Roses on a Rough Day

My husband, Jon, left early Monday morning for the week. He is off scouting a trail in some mountains in Washington. I knew it would be hard on me. I love spending time with him. We haven't been married a year yet and our whole dating relationship was long-distance. The worst part of him being gone is no phone signal. Fortunately for me, not for him, his group left late on Monday morning, forcing them to camp elsewhere for a night, so on Tuesday morning I got a brief call, just to say he loves me.

Today was a rough day. I had to deal with a person who yelled at me on the phone and would not listen. Once it was over my supervisor asked me if I was okay and I started crying. Over the next 30 minutes tears were still coming to my eyes, and I was still worked up about it.

Ten minutes before lunch a package came for me at work. On the outside was printed "1-800-Flowers" and I knew it was from my wonderful husband. Upon opening the box 18 red roses brought a smile to my face. It was the perfect gift for me.

The roses are a constant reminder that Jon cares enough to plan ahead of time to send me something special. He didn't know I would be having a rough day so his timing is perfect! And his simple note of "I love you Michelle. See you on Friday." is another thing that brings a smile to my face. Oh my sweet Jon. Roses on a rough day.

Realizations

I've come to the realization that I don't care if anyone reads this or if anyone becomes a "follower" of this blog. I've realized that this is more of an outlet for me to just write what I'm really thinking and feeling. I feel guilty just unloading it all on my husband, so if I can just dump it here and be done with it then I don't have to load him down with negativism. And frankly I realize that most of my posts are negative. Rarely do I write about the good things in life. Maybe I should turn a leaf and even it out. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Try to look on the bright side

The job I work at is a pretty good job. It's full-time, pays well, and it's not too far from home. The downside is the people. Daily I am bombarded with swearing and complaining and finger-pointing. There's more drama here than at almost any junior high school.

It ranges from complaints about the weather, complaints about the radio, complaints about too much beer in the fridge and no room to store lunches, complaints about the software, but mostly complaints about one another. Since I share an office with my supervisor, I hear a good amount from her. People not doing their jobs. People not getting this done on time. People constantly skipping work. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I have been working on constantly pointing out the good things in every situation. Or if I can't see the silver lining, I don't say anything at all. But despite looking on the bright side, inside of me I can feel myself getting down and upset and frustrated. By the time I get home I am emotionally spent. Exhausted by the complaints. Ironically, I complain to my husband about my day and the frustrating things I encounter while he sits there patiently listening and ready with a hug the minute I need one.

I definitely feel the strain and tension in the office, but what can I do about it? I've only been here 2 months and certainly don't want to chance finding another job in this economy. The only thing I can do it seems is to maintain a sunny disposition despite the rain clouds all around me.

Any advice you might have would be appreciated.

Finance Pressures

There have been many times when I've thought to myself, "If only I was rich I wouldn't have to do..." or "If I had more money I could..." Let's face it, I married a guy with an outdoor recreation degree, not exactly a big money making degree.

And me, having an accounting degree, can't help but think about money. Or the lack there of. My husband and I have successfully paid off 2 of our 4 credit cards, his car (a few months early), and are close to having a 3rd card paid off. Each month we set down a hefty chunk of change to pay off the card as well as move money to savings. But even when we pay off those cards we still have student loans to pay off.

I am constantly worrying about what would happen if I couldn't work anymore. Honestly, I make about twice as much as my husband makes. Sometimes I feel the tension. I know my husband doesn't want me to feel like I have to work, but in all reality I do. His paycheck would only be able to pay for our student loans and rent each month. That means our car insurance, cell phone, electricity, groceries, gas, and medications would go unpaid.

My big concern is when we have children. I want to have my own children but I don't know what we would do in regards to work. I can't really do my work from home and I don't have family nearby that can watch my kids and I don't want to leave my kids at childcare to be raised by someone else.

I have considered working part time, which is most likely going to be the best choice for me, since I probably can't bring my kids to work and we will need more income than my husband makes. I guess leaving my kids at a daycare for about 4 hours won't be too bad. It will give them a time to play with others and give me a chance to work a few hours. Yeah, I think that would work well. I can't believe I didn't think of it before.

I'm not planning on having kids yet, we want to have all our credit cards paid off and some money in savings. We're thinking that towards the end of next year we should be ready.

But then comes the consideration of buying a house. Of course we can afford houses in our area, it's just a matter of finding a house that is big enough for 4-6 kids and not too expensive. But when to buy one? We're not sure, but some day.

Current Job - Do I really want to do this?

When I was in high school I took a couple accounting classes and really enjoyed them. I decided that since I liked it that I should get a degree in accounting. I went to a 4 year college and got my degree. During my last two years I interned at a CPA office. It was there I discovered that I didn't want to be a CPA. Maybe if I had worked for a different CPA I would at least consider it, but no.

My first job out of college I was working as an accounts payable specialist. It was not the job I had applied for originally, but with limited experience and having just graduated from college, it was probably the best non-CPA job I could get. I started work and it was alright. Not really challenging at all. Pretty easy I thought. Then my husband got a new job and we moved to the other side of the state.

Fortunately I got a job right away. It seemed like a great opportunity. I was definitely glad to get it considering the economy was getting worse. My first few weeks were pretty good. The work I was doing wasn't too difficult and it kept me busy. Plus, I was grateful for a steady income during the recession, especially since my husband's job doesn't pay much and we have student loans to pay off.

Two months later I'm not satisfied here. The work is kind of boring, the people have bad mouths, and I'm wondering if just maybe there's something better out there for me. However, the pay is nice and consistent and the company isn't cutting jobs during this recession.

But I can't help and think. Is this what I'm going o be doing the rest of my life? Do I even want to do this? Part of me, mostly my pride, thinks I need an accounting job since I got an accounting degree. But part of me wonders if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Is there a job out there that I would like better? Feel better at? Enjoy?

But rather than give up my current job in the hopes of maybe finding something better, I sit here and suffer through it. Longing for the day I won't be here or won't have to work.

Taylor Swift Disappointment.

Disappointed. Sad. Frustrated. All 3 describe my current state of emotions. It doesn't have to do with Taylor Swift herself, just with the purchase of tickets to go see her concert. Daily I found myself checking her website to see her tour dates and locations the day it was posted. Finally it was up and luckily my city was on it. But that was all the luck I was about to have.

I had really been looking forward to going to a Taylor Swift concert. I mean seriously excited. I knew the date, the time, the time the doors opened, where it was, and the date tickets would go on sale. I wrote it down on my calendar, anticipating going to the concert. I was listening to two different radio stations to try and win tickets. No luck. I thought I was on the pre-sale list for both stations as well as Taylor Swift's website. No email came with a promotional code for pre-sale.

So I prepared for the ticket sale that was going to start at 10 a.m. I had my Visa ready, the ticket sales website open, and right at 9:58 a.m. I stopped working so I could try and get tickets right at 10. After entering the number of tickets (4 -- 2 for my husband and I and 2 for my brother and his wife), clicking the "Best Available" button, entering that annoying word verification (that I can't really tell whether the letters are capitals or not), and finally getting the website to process my request, what appears before my eyes but a statement that says "Unable to secure seats at this Price Level." Slightly shocked I try again. And again. And again. I pick up my phone and call the ticket box. The line is busy. I keep redialing and redialing while at the same time trying again and again and again online to find a seat, ANY seat. Nothing.

Frustrated I stop searching. There aren't any seats available. It sold out within minutes of opening. I know there are websites that sell tickets but at $100 a ticket I can't afford to get seats for 2 people let alone 4. Disappointed and frustrated I go back to work. Hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to win tickets at some point over the next 2 months or that someone will decide to give me their tickets. But then again, I've never been too lucky.